What Grinds My Gears: Bike Riders

Dear Bike Riders,

If we are going to be forced to share pavement, it is in your best interest to read forward carefully. I respect you. You save money and stay in shape with your transportation method, but realize that your choice to do so is not the norm and, thus, you do NOT deserve any special privaleges, nor do you have the right to pass judgement on those of us who do not choose to ride a bike. WE share OUR road with you.
Now that we have established that you are a guest on our road:

1. I don't care about your Carbon Footprint...AT ALL. Like a god damn vegan, you stick your nose up and pass judgement on me for using resources in a selfish way. I will continue to drive my 300HP vehicle as unremorsfully as I will eat my steak.

2. You are NOT a car. I know this is obvious in text, but when you are on the road, I think you tend to forget. If the speed limit is 45 MPH, THAT is how fast you should be going. If you are on a road that is too fast for your bipedal engine, move over to the side of the road.

3. OK, you want to be treated like a car? Start by obeying traffic. Stop at red lights...even if there are no cars coming. SIGNAL before changing lanes. I have half a mind to hit other cars when they don't signal, a bike would not even damage my bumper. STAY IN YOUR FUCKING LANE!!!!! Just because you can fit in between cars doesn't give you the right to do it. I mean, if a pedestrian was walking through the cars at a stop light, even YOU would be like, "WTF, That's dangerous!" which brings me to my final point...

4. PICK ONE!!!! Pedestrian or vehicle. Street or crosswalks. By your backwards standards, if I hit you in a crosswalk, it should count as a car accident, not "hitting a pedestrian in a crosswalk." What about insurance? If I accidently open my door and hit you while you're riding past my car at a light, my insurance has to cover YOUR STUPIDITY.

There, now you know. I can no longer forgive you, now that we've had this discussion. Starting on Monday, I will hold you to the same standards as my automobile brethren. Just remember: If you can't handle the heat of the road, GET THE FUCK OFF OF IT!!!!

-TBI

What Grinds My Gears: "The Third Guy"

There are many definitions of "That Guy." Sometimes it's "That [iPhone] Guy" taking out his phone every time there is the smallest fact to look up. Perhaps you are familiar with "That [Pretentious Band] Guy" who is always saying things like "I only listen to bands that you've never heard of. 'The Man' forces music into blah blah blah." Sure, they're annoying...but there is one "Guy" who is the epitome of social ineptitude.

To fully understand "The Third Guy" we need to understand the first two.

Guy #1: Likable and socially savvy, this guy runs the convo. He's full of quick quips and bursts of mockery. Everything he says is original and timed perfectly...usually at someone else's expense. As an example, imagine someone's being extra cocky, he'll say something witty like: "Your head is as big as a house!"


Guy #2: Slightly less confident than "The First Guy," his contribution is the addendum. A healthy add-on that says "I hear you...I understand you...and I raise you!" Something like: "A house?!?! Haha...more like a whale!"


The Third Guy: To reiterate, T3G is socially inept. He's also loud, boisterous and inappropriate. When he speaks...it is followed by awkward silence and blank stares. He takes the Second Guy's one-up as a fucking invitation! He'll stutter, get everyone's attention, and say: "IT'S AS BIG AS THE UNIVERSE!!!! HAHAHAHA! GET IT, I DID WHAT HE DID JUST BIGGER AND THUS BETTER! UNIVERSE, WHAT'S BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE, NOT A BLUE WHALE!! HAHAHA!! UNIVERSE!!!!!"

Guy 1 & Guy 2 (and everyone else in the vicinity): "...."

You owe it to society to call these people out. Forget about your polite (but awkward and actually not polite at all) silence...say something like: "No...not like the Universe...stop being a [insert blatant, uncensored, hurtful profanity]!" They may not understand what they did, but maybe they will talk less in the future.

Boosh Hall of Fame: James Cameron

"You mean the Titanic guy?" Yes, "The Titanic Guy." If you call him that, I would put my money on you getting beaten half to death by a director's chair...with spikes...and flamethrowers attached to it, because this grade-A cocky badass wouldn't settle for a less-awesome director's chair to save his dying mother.

As we all know, Avatar made it's theater debut this past Friday. What you don't know is that Avatar is based on 30 years of angst... Here's the abridged story. A 22 year old James Cameron sees Star Wars, and hates every second of it. He knew that he should have made that film...Little did George Lucas know, he had a nemesis. Cameron went on to direct some Sci-fi classics such as Alien and Terminator. Though he is best known for Titanic, that was his, and I quote "Fuck-You Money."

After Titanic, Cameron traveled the world doing bad-ass stuff like swimming with Sharks and sailing through hurricanes (I'm not lying). Until one day, when the stars lined up, he made a few phone calls. One was to the CEO of Sony, basically telling them to make a 3D camera to HIS specifications, and the others were to movie theaters, demanding they use said technology. Have you seen a 3D movie in the past 5 years? Thank James Cameron...or don't...because you are a pawn in his master plan to bend George Lucas over an X-Wing and rail him with his own special-edition "Director's Lightsaber."

Fast forward to today, James Cameron has two words for Lucas..."Check" and "Mate." Avatar was planned to the T for the past 20 years, and he doesn't have to take anything from anyone...

Fox: "Do the Aliens need to have tails?"
Cameron: "Yes, they have to have tails"

For the aliens' language, Cameron hired a famous linguist to invent it...and Cameron was there for every step. "He didn’t just tell me to build a language from scratch. He actually wanted to discuss points of grammar." The world was pieced together bit-by-bit. Cameron invented dozens of plants and hired a botanist to give them names in three languages, one of which is alien language invented for the movie, and write descriptions for them. Like, legit scientific descriptions, one of which took 5 weeks to build a biological plausibility scenario. He also hired an archeologist, astrophysicist and anthropologist to further refine his vision.

Here at The Boosh, we honor bad-assery such as hurricane chasing and manly adventures, but not as much as spending exorbitant amounts of money to make highly regarded professionals carry out your imaginative biddings for your amusement.

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/11/ff_avatar_cameron/

Hall of Fame: ??????

What Grinds My Gears: Nickelback

Music has long been a staple of society. There was once a time when being a musician meant years of sacrifice, cut-throat competition, and (God for-fucking-bid) massive amounts of talent. Today, all you apparently need is a guitar and some facial hair and you are automatically a musician. Some bands still pour their heart and soul into their music...some just throw together some half-ass riffs and say a few useless things in a raspy voice. Nickelback is most certainly the latter.

First of all, the actual instrument players are like sorority girls who wont put out...they exist, but who cares. The band could be three autistic koalas rubbing sticks against Coke bottles, as long as the mindless listeners of pop music hear Chad Kroeger's raspy voice, they will suck up every ounce of Nickelback's proverbial musical vomit.

So people like Chad's distinctive (not to be confused with distinguished) voice... Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but no one can deny that Nickelback songs are void of life. Every damn thing they sing about is like a boring conversation with a pot dealer. It's usually a twenty second story stretched into 3 minutes.

Actual Possible Nickelback Lyrics
(to the tune of "Burn it to the Ground)

Red light
it's alright
Thinkin' 'bout turning right

wanna go
gotta show
gonna make their minds blow

it's safe
accelerate
goin' right can't wait!

Chorus
The Light turned green!
You know what I mean!
My turning signal told you where I'm turning my machine!
No more waiting at the corner for me tonight!



The worst part is that it is not far fetched to insinuate that Nickelback would write the same song twice with different lyrics...THEY EFFING DID IT ALREADY!!! Put headphones on and listen to the video below. "How You Remind Me" is in the left speaker and "Someday" is in the right.

Q E Mother fucking D!!!!