Piggybacking off of the recent Piracy post by the indominatable Chai T (Three time winner of People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive' Award) and last night's episode of 'Deadliest Warrior: Pirate vs. Knight' on Spike TV*, I feel it is high time to induct a man after my own heart, Captain Bartholomew 'Black Bart' Roberts, into his rightful place in the Boosh Hall of Fame. In a time where the name 'Pirate' is being daily sullied by douche-bagging Somalians in fishing boats, it is important that those of us who still regard said title and profession with the esteem it deserves look to history as a source of inspiration. Enter the notorious dread pirate Black Bart.
Bart was a Welshman, which in of itself makes him sassier than 99% of human beings who ever have, do, or will live. He was born on May 17 in the year of our lord 1682 and spent the majority of his young adult life as an 'honest' sailor. Fortune would have it that Roberts became Third Mate on a slaving ship out of London called the 'Princess' (GAAAAAAY!!!). In 1719 it was anchored off the west coast of that delightful little continent called Africa when it was attacked and captured by a pair of pirate ships under the command of Howell Davis. Roberts was forced to join Davis' crew. At first, Roberts was repulsed by the notion of becoming a common pirate.
Becoming a Pirate Captain however, was all well and good. So roughly six weeks later, he became one. He would spend the next 3 years etching out his niche in history as possibly the baddest ass to ever sail the seven seas.
Now, we're probably all familiar with names like Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, and Jack Sparrow (who I will go to my deathbed regarding as a real historical figure). Truth be told however, Black Bart put them all to shame (except jack because...well come on, he fought the Kracken with a cutlass).
Blackbeard: In his roughly 5 year career, Blackbeard captured roughly a dozen major ships, 5 of which came all within a few weeks of each other during the blockade of Charleston harbor.
Captain Kidd: In a roughly 12 year career, Captain Kidd had only a handful of skirmishes and captured only two major prizes. He was actually tried and executed all the while vehemently denying he was a pirate at all. Which no self respecting pirate would ever do.
Black Bart, in roughly three years, captured 470 ships. Let that sink in for a moment. 470. If yer reaction to that is anything less than silent awe and slight sexual arousal, i want nothing tho do with you. Black Bart became so notorious that the govenors of the Caribbean colonies (Representing Britain, Spain, Portugal, France, and Holland, all of whom mind you HATED each other) pulled their wealth to hire a large fleet of independent 'pirate hunters' whose sole purpose was to hunt down Roberts and destroy him, ignoring all other pirates until this mission was accomplished. This was during he golden age of piracy people.
When word reached him that the navies of 5 of the world's superpowers put aside their differences solely to find him and open a cask of whoop ass, what do you think Roberts did? High tail it out of the Caribbean for the safer and more fertile waters off the coast of Africa? Find a nice abandoned island with a deep lagoon and lay low til the heat was off? Maybe abandon ship and comandeer (nautical term) a less recognizable one? These are all legitimate guesses, and all things that would make sense to a rational human being. Black Bart however, was not rational. He was a Pirate. So rather than do any of the above, he decided to hunt down and kill the French governor of Martinique. Why? Because that wig-wearrin land lubber really pissed him off thats why! Roberts found him alright....aboard a French Man-o-War. Problem? Psh. Hardly. Roberts laid the proverbial smackdown on the Frogs and hung the Lord Governor from the main sail of his own ship. If you aren't aware of how badass a feat this truly is; a Man-o-War at the time was armed with 124 guns. Roberts' ship was a Bermuda Sloop. Armed with 24 guns. Boosh.
All good things must come to an end however, and eventually Black Bart's luck ran out. On the 9th of February 1722, Roberts had captured the heavily laden merchant ship 'Neptune'. As per tradition, he and his men celebrated by getting completely and utterly shit-faced. By the morning of Feb. 10, they were still drunk, and still drinking actually. So what should appear on the horizon but a British Man-o-War (remember, 124 guns) the HMS 'Swallow' (again, GAAAAAY!!!) In their rum-addled state, Roberts and his men weren't able to identify the ship until it was right on top of them. By then they had one chance of escape, sailing past the 'Swallow' (GAAAAAY!!!!) and exploiting their own ship's superior speed in order to affect a hasty escape. Apparently, navigating an 18th century warship while under the influence of 12 hrs worth of rum isnt so easy, and Roberts' intoxicated helmsman actually steered the ship CLOSER to the Swallow (GAAAAAY!!!!).
As all 124 guns opened up with a barrage of hellfire, Roberts' terrified men scrambled for cover. Roberts himself however, apparently did not believe that discretion was the better part of valor. Maybe it was bravado, maybe it was the rum, but whatever the reason, rather than hide like a pansy, Roberts straddled a cannon and flipped the colonial era bird to his attackers. Thus with 12 pounds of steel AND a cannon between his legs, Bartholomew 'Black Bart' Roberts took an entire broadside worth of grapeshot to the torso and died the way he lived, drunk off of his ass and calling an Englishman queer.
Fortunately Roberts' men were still sober enough to remember, and fulfill the final request of their Captain. Before the British were able to board, they wrapped Roberts' body in chains and tossed it over the side of the ship, thereby depriving the Limey Wankers of their trophy.
So Captain 'Black Bart' Roberts, we the loyal crew of Boosh International salute you sir. I for one hope this small token of our admiration brings yer soul a small measure of solace as it burns for all of eternity in Hell. Because lets face it, if you aren't in Hell, there's probably not a God. Id be nervous that yer tormented spirit may haunt me for making a comment like that if i wasnt 100% sure that you agree. And if you did haunt me, we'd probably just come up with a way to get yer ghost drunk. Boosh.
*NOTE: In case you missed last nights episode of 'Deadliest Warrior: Pirate vs. Knight,' watch the below video for the results! The battle re-enactment is definately Boosh worthy!
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