Sorry

I know we haven't posted for a while. It's been a rough week. Trust me, there's still gear-grinding, zombie survival and other forms of booshery floating around. I'll make up for the time you lost this week. For now, enjoy this Vintage Boosh.

Verizon BOOSH

I want to give a pre-emptive STFU to all the iPhone fanboys (and girls) who are programmed to whine whenever someone says or does anything that contradicts Steve Jobs in any way, shape or form. Verizon gets a major BOOSH for this commercial.

Here at the Boosh, we don't like beating around the bush. Why subtly hint that your product is better, when you can flat out say it WITH visual aids and, even better, by using AT&T/Apple's own ad campaign against them. PURE. GENIUS. Enjoy!

Z-Day 2010: Supply Explanations

"I'm gunna bring my nail polish, and my hairspray, and my-" SHUT UP! I can't take this irresponsible nonsense anymore! The only good thing about bringing all your shit is that, if it comes down to you and me...I will live. Why is that? My supplies have a near-perfect usefulness-to-weight ratio. Meaning, I have all the tools to survive, and I can still run fast and far. Let's dive in:

Duct Tape (1 lb) - For things that aren't attached but should be. This is well known as the most useful item in the world. Bonus: 2 rolls of duct tape

Hatchet (2.4 lbs) - For chopping wood. Firewood, barricade logs, wooden stakes. It also doubles as a hammer and triples as a weapon. Bonus: Blade Sharpener



Hand Saw (2.3 lbs) - More accurately, a hacksaw. This tool will help you cut wood, locks, hinges, pipes, cable and bone. I only hope that the bone is venison and not an infected limb. Bonus: Extra Blades

Rope (.4 lbs) - Rope is used for way more than tying shit. You can use it to pitch a tent, not get crushed when you cut down trees, to go up or down obstacles, or my favorite, set traps. Bonus: Carabiner and pulleys

Camping Shovel (3 lbs) - This tool is used for navigation, painting, and baking angel food cake... IT'S FOR EFFING DIGGING!!!! Bonus: Pick Axe

Plastic Garbage Bags (.5 to 4 lbs) - There are probably a few purposes for these, but the main purpose is drinking water. You will need one black bag to three clear bags. What you do is dig a hole (with your shovel!!) and cover the hole with black plastic forming a basin. Next, create a tripod out of sticks. Finally, cover the tripod with clear plastic making sure the bottom corners are tight. Result, water purifier. The sun evaporates the water in the black basin, the water condenses on the clear plastic and falls down the edges where you catch it in a cup, bucket, or another hole. Bonus: ...?

4'-5' 2x4 (2 lbs) - Drive a nail into that sucker and you have a 2x4 with a nail in it! Technology has not given us a better weapon. Bonus: Hockey Tape

Vegetable Seeds (near-weightless) - Eventually the Jerky will run out... Bonus: Indentured Servants

Additional Bonus Items: Pocket Knife/Multi-tool, Flint/Lint (for starting fires), grenades, Map/Compass

"Then there's Denny"

I saw this on Reddit this morning and it was too good not to share. The source is an anonymous post on 4chan:

"Okay, back story. I work at a cafe, and above the cafe there are apartments. Most of them belong to drug dealers and those who buy from them. Then there's Denny.

Denny is about 65 now, I believe. He's old, walks barefoot with a cane, wears a straw hat everywhere, and looks like Alan Moore, and usually refers to me as 'Peach.' He's traveled the entire world, twice, and still does. Usually he hitchhikes. He always tells me stories of adventures in exchange for coffee and a brownie.

So, it's winter, and it's been a pretty lazy day. Denny's sipping his coffee. I'm on my laptop when this dude with a horribly fake tan bursts in an demands a coffee. So, I work fast because I can see this dude's in a hurry, when I burn my hand pretty bad spilling some coffee on it. I can hear this dude give out a loud 'UGH.' So, I cool my hand up and give him his coffee, he snatches it from my hand and says the service here sucks. Jerkwad doesn't even pay me, and suddenly Denny's blocking his way out the door.

Denny: 'Scuse me sir, but you haven't payed Peach there for her work.

Jerkwad: Please tell 'Peach' it's not my fault she's clumsy as hell.

Denny: You've misunderstood me, sir. Peach over there works a lot harder than you, and you look like you can spare a dollar.

Jerkwad: Look, just stop blocking the door and I'll be on my way.

Denny holds up the cane, and pulls up the little jewel on top of it. HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING SWORD IN HIS GODDAMN CANE. And you want to know what he says?

'I've killed better men than you, pay Peach her goddamn dues.'

Jerkwad freads out, runs back to the counter and shoves a fifty on it. Murmurs something like 'Keep the change' and runs out the door. Denny casually sheaths his cane sword, sits back down and orders a refill."

Boosh Hall of Fame: These Effin' Guys

I'm sorry world, but I live in a fantasy land. Remember the pirates back in April? If not, refresh your memory! Anyways, the world made a big whiny deal about "real pirates" and how people shouldn't romanticize criminals. It was crap then and it's crap now! Pirates are fun-loving, drunken scalliwags of the sea and HEISTS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Today, a crime gang in Sweden pulled off the most awesome heist of the past 5 years (maybe longer). The criminal masterminds, estimated to be about 10 people, stole a helicopter and flew over a G4S building in Stockholm. The team then proceeded to repel through the roof, deploy tactical explosives and rob a not-yet-disclosed amount of cash from the facility. Where were police during this event? GROUNDED! The thieves placed live explosives at the police airfield as a successful countermeasure.

I say a masterpiece is a masterpiece, whether it's an engineering marvel, or a flawless heist, The Boosh International says "Thanks for making this Wednesday a lot more entertaining than Tuesday!" Now, I'm going to watch The Italian Job!

Vintage Boosh: iPhone Idiot (but first...)

...Check out that rise in viewership.

That's what I'm talking about!!!! We appreciate all of the feedback (except for the one person who told us to lay down and die, thankfully you're the minority, dick). So here's how it's gunna go down. Two updates per week minimum, we'll try for three. To itemize, one heart-healthy, boosh worthy article, and editorials and commentary for the rest. Again, if you like The Boosh, KEEP SPREADING THE WORD! Post updates on your Facebook Wall, follow us on Twitter tell us what you want to see .

Signs of Teabagging

The 1st ammendment, has been raped more than a choir boy. Self-entitlement is raging as the half-baked picket signs fly around while a bunch of under-educated drones whine right below them. This is obviously about the Health Care Bill rally in DC this past weekend, but not about the nonsense that ensued, but the SIGNS! People can bitch about whatever they want, whenever they want...that's why we still have Labor Unions. When you hoist those picket signs in the air...think about what they say!

"Obama is a Nazi" - ...because Hitler's healthcare plan was ALSO government regulated. By that logic, Obama is also a Roman because both him and Marcus Aurelius supported free speech and a Bicameral Government. The funny thing is that if Obama signed a bill that relocated all Jews in America to Maine...none of the Teabaggers would be able to make that connection back to Hitler.

I'm gunna cut to the one that really pissed me off...

"Jesus is the Messiah, not Obama." - WTF?!?!? I always mocked the SAT Exam for those stupid analogies, but it seems they were responsible for keeping these fools out of college!! What did JESUS have to do with HEALTHCARE POLICY? Do the teabaggers want Obama to fund churches for faith healings? Are they upset about Obama's utter neglegence to Lepers? Or are they JUST. FUCKING. IDIOTS.

Should we stick around?

I'm gunna cut right to the chase...viewership is way down. We want to do what's best, a "Win-Win-Win" if you will. Tell us what will keep you reading by taking our poll (to the left). If it's time to put the Boosh down Ol' Yeller style, then that's what we'll do. I only hope, for the good of mankind, that there are people out there who want more Velociraptors, Zombies and Snarky, angst-filled commentary.

The best you can do, if you still enjoy the Boosh, HARRASS PEOPLE! Send Boosh Bombs on facebook, send links to your friends, use Twitter (if you're into that). "www.thebooshinternational.blogspot.com" is only 38 characters. That leaves you 122 characters to tell the world that you're eating a sandwich, or whatever mundaine nonsense you usually tweet about...spice it up with some Booshery!

Something you wanna see again, or something you want dead?

Give us a piece of your mind: thebooshinternational@gmail.com

Survival++: Locusts

There is a reason that almost every space-based video game in the past 1o years has some sort of winged bug as enemies. It's because Mother Nature, in her twisted plot against humanity, embodied horror within this creature. I can see the conversation unfolding:

Nature: ...and I'll give it a huge stinger, and claws...and WINGS!!!

God: No, you can't make Scorpions fly. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Nature: Ok fine, no stinger-

God: Or claws!

Nature: FINE! I'll agree on non-lethal, but only if they can eat everything in sight.

God: I don't see a problem with that..how much can a little bug eat?

Short answer...a fucking LOT!!! The desert locust (the star of the Egyptian Plague) can eat its own weight in food each day. For a large swarm, this equates to 160 Metric Tons in a day! That's enough food to feed 80,000 Americans for a day, which probably equates to, like, 2oo,ooo Africans. If the numbers aren't shocking enough...note that Locust Plagues never last only a day.

Plague of Locusts

So how do you stay alive? This one is all about preparation. First, canned food. I would even suggest taking the labels off. Only God knows what will happen if they gain cognitive awareness. Why can't you just stash real food in your house? Because the locusts can and WILL penetrate your house. It's not a matter of "IF" it's a matter of "HOW MANY" and that depends on YOU!

Your first line of defense should be filling the cracks in your walls and foundation. I don't mean caulk, either...I'm talking mortar or arc welding. I don't care if you encase your entire house in cement, some will get through. As simple as it sounds, have a tennis racquet handy. If you can replace the nylon strings with cutting wire, that would be a major plus.

Now for the coup de douleur. This elaborate contraption is what I like to call it the "Funnel of Doom." Create an air-tight chamber between the outside of your house and an internal wall. Put some crops in the chamber with a fixed layer of mesh steel on top. This is the bait. The flamethrower should take care of the rest!

The Funnel of Doom (patent pending)

Z-Day 2010: Supplies

The biggest mistake people have about Z-Day is that their time will be easily manageable. Most would plan to swing by the grocery store for some hearty looting of canned goods before waiting it out in the mountains for a few days. If this is your plan, you're off to a good start...meaning you recognize the need to get far away from zombies and that humans need to eat. If this is your half-baked plan, you'll be dead by the end of the week! Weapons aside, here are the most important items for you have.

Salt, Salt, SALT:

I cannot stress enough how important salt is. Sure, canned foods are not a bad thing, but come day 9, when they run out, and you have to start hunting...you will want the world's oldest natural preservative on hand. I'm also not talking about a shaker...pounds of salt!!!

Beef Jerkey and Dried Fruits:

This one speaks for itself. Already preserved, jerkey is a great source of protein, resealable bags.

Vitamins:

Without Vitamin C: Your teeth fall out

Without Vitamin D: Your bones become brittle

Without Vitamin A: You can't see at night (REALLY bad against zombies)

I can go on, but the bottom line is: Survival requires good health. Grab a few months' worth.

Now that we have the important food items, it's off to the Home Depot. Grab these items, and these items only!

-Duct Tape

-Hatchet

-Hand Saw

-Rope

-Camping Shovel

-Plastic Garbage Bags

-4'-5' 2x4

-Vegetable Seeds

Don't ask questions...this is about trust!!! Next time, we'll tell you how these items will save your life!

The Five Drivers You Meet in Hell

Driving is one of the most wonderful byproducts of technology. A car is a symphony of machine, electronics and octane all bundled into a sexy metal package. However, just like a real symphony, the entire experience is often ruined by a few annoying, obnoxious, incompetent people. Like an unappreciative groan at Carnegie Hall, these five types of drivers make driving a stressful chore.




Number 1: The Snowman

We'll start slow. REEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY Slow!!!! The snowman is the most abundant poor driver you'll see on the roads. Most of the time they stay out of your way, but on a one lane road, or the HOV lane, they're certain to get on your nerves. Like your average idiot, snowmen are easily controlled by assertiveness, just instead of making up false statistics, you just drive aggressively and the snowman will most likely move. Also like idiots, however, snowmen travel in packs. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself in a Winter Wonderland...


Number 2: The Salmon

The good thing about snowmen is that they cluster. Once you're passed them, it's smooth sailing. Salmon, on the other hand, flop haphazardly all over the effing place. Just when you speed up to pass one, there's another in front of you. Sometimes they even flop between lanes, perhaps to avoid other salmon. This chain reaction of random, oblivious flopping-around can only be fixed with a huge bulldozer. Just drive straight through a Spawning Ground and doze those sloppy bastards to the shoulder.



Number 3: The Tumbleweed

One of these confused drivers is equivalent to about 10 salmon. I don't think this needs much explanation...they blow around in the metaphoric wind that is their own GOD DAMN FLOATY INCOMPETENCE! I don't care if you're late to work and have to lather your crackly face with orange cover-up in your rear-view mirror. Nor do I care if you are giggling at the lewd potty-humor from your favorite morning show, saying to yourself, "These guys totally get me, I hope they play Taylor Swift next..." THEY HAVE SPECIAL BUSES FOR YOU! They pick which lane you should be in...i.e., NOT MINE!!



Number 4: The Block Tease

This asshole differs from the first three because the action is not a side-effect of stupidity. The Block Tease is malicious and deliberate. Here's how it works, you are driving on a two lane road, most likely in the right lane, when this self-entitled dick decides to speed up and pass you...only to SLAM on their brakes to turn into a parking lot. And ironically, Captain Aggressivo becomes Professor-Fucking-Molasses as they roll into the lot like it's a god damn BINGO convention! It's situations like this where I wish I had Stinger Missiles installed in my headlights. I bet James Bond rips through missiles quicker than he rips through hookers and martinis...and good for him. At least SOMEONE is keeping the roads clean.



Number 5: The Shadow Bitch

Ok, my temper is short, but I have learned to handle the slow, possibly mentally-lacking, drivers in small doses. Just knowing that they already live a life without free thinking and overall success is enough retribution for me. The Shadow Bitch is spineless and lacks all forms of respect...and I even respect Canada...for at least accepting they're spineless. The Shadow Bitch is the guy who drives right up you ass, treating you like an effing SNOWMAN, trying to make you go faster. You try to change lanes to let this jerk pass you, only to have him change lanes with you. You chalk it up to a coincidence and try AGAIN to step aside and politely let him pass. ONCE AGAIN he changes lanes with you. It's then that you realize that he wants to go fast, but wants YOU to get a ticket if there is a cop around the corner.

The last time I was Shadow Bitched, I had to tap the brakes, change lanes without signaling, slam on the brakes and swerve back over to get behind him...and let me tell you how fast he went once HE was in front, FIVE UNDER THE GOD DAMN SPEED LIMIT! In retrospect, I should have let him hit me from behind, called the cops, and let his 3 Frat-Party DUIs serve justice for themselves. Perhaps they would have impounded his Mercedes. In fact...I think in hell, such assholes are forced to drive around in a beat up Pinto for their first 20,000 years anyway.

Wednesdays!!!!!

I just wanted to send out a quick letter to our fans. WELCOME BACK!!!! According to Google Analytics, our traffic is up 130% since we came back from our, admittedly lame, hiatus. In order to avoid the same dreadful situation, we are going to make Wednesday our official update day. No more cursing the skies for inconsistent Booshery. No more wondering when, or IF, your next Boosh will come. The answer...WEDNESDAY!!!!

Don't worry, this "Once a Week" nonsense is only temporary...The goal is THRICE a week! So, KEEP READING, COMMENT, CONTACT US AND...
SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Until next Wednesday, enjoy this Vintage Boosh

New Segment: Z-Day 2010

It seems that Survival++ was not enough. I can't say that we didn't try, but preparedness for Z-Day is at an all-time low. "It's never gunna happen!" Actual quote from my closest loved one. The truth is that Z-Day is only getting closer and YOU ARE NOT READY!!!! STOP! Don't think...Just answer these three questions as quickly as possible:

1) How many cubic meters are in your car?
2) How many miles can you travel on the gas in your vehicle right now?
3) Where is your meet-up spot?

51.8 cubic feet, enough to hold me, my wife, my dog, 20lbs of salt, food for a week, golf clubs, crowbar and chainsaw.

243 miles, enough to get me out of the Washington Metro Area

Boyertown PA, 1000' Elevation, far from major cities and within a mile of a post office

If you can't answer all of these you have two choices...

Stay tuned for more Z-Day 2010...

or do us survivors a favor and, on Z-Day, kill yourself. One less undead bastard for us to worry about.

Boosh Hall of Fame: Nikola Tesla

Here at The Boosh, we have many heros such as George Washington, Tyler Durden, the guy who invented Pilates. My true hero, however, is history's TRUE mad scientist and rogue engineer, Nikola Tesla. Many of you will of course say "Who?", but it's not your fault! Just like Christopher Columbus' sadistic Native American Slaughter-fest, American schools don't teach about Tesla, but you may know his arch nemesis, Thomas Edison.


Edison's Bio: Built some stuff, made a lightbulb, was an arrogant bastard.


Tesla's Bio: Build some BADASS stuff, tried to sell a DEATHRAY to the US Military, was also an arrogant bastard...but with a slight bit of instability.

I can go on for hours about this insane genius, but for the sake of time, I'll boil it down to bullets:

• Although Edison invented the bulb, tesla's invention of AC power gives energy to every light bulb you have ever seen

• Magnetic Flux Density is measured in Teslas. Nothing is measured in Edisons, except maybe receiving boring patents.

• The Tesla Coil is the single most awesomely distructive DIY project of all time.

Small Tesla Coil

• Would have been the world's first BILLIONAIRE...but he thought that power should be free for everyone

• Pioneered the concept of: Radio (invented the first one), Wireless Power (that scene from The Prestige with the lightbulbs in the ground was true), Wireless Communication (built a cell phone tower in 1915) and Radar.
  

Also, incase I didn't mention...
DEATH RAY!

What Grinds My Gears: Forced Public Apologies

We learned as children that an apology is not about the words, it's about intent. We've all been part of this convo:

"Say you're sorry."
"sorry"
"...like you mean it."
"Uggghhhhhh, I'm Soooorry"

Verbally admiitting that one effed up means nothing unless the apology is sincere and voluntary. Because of this, there came a time in my life where the need for an apolgy seemed childish (I believe I was 7). Why then, I ask, do the grown adults who allegedly RUN this country whine like little bitches when they get made fun of? I mean, is saying "Political Figure A is not smart" REALLY that big of a deal? Apparently so, and subsequenty the offender, contrary to the logic of a seven-year-old, needs to stand on a podium in front of cameras and pretend to be sorry for what he did.

Even WORSE is when the General Public wants an apology when they weren't even victims...AT ALL!! Let's take South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. He cheated on his wife. Tell me...how does anyone other than his WIFE deserve an apology!?!?! Even if he DID owe the sensitive, state of South Carol-WHINE-a an apology, all he's REALLY saying is "To all those I hurt...I really wish I didn't get caught. Next time, I'll try harder NOT to." Wow, I sure feel better after that apology!

What Grinds My Gears?

The douche bag "expert" musician that comments on a youtube video about how the selection was good but how they would do it better.....

First of all let me be clear, youtube is an addiction, and I am a self-acknowledged addict. Dont jump on me from your pedestals because we all know that while youtube is not as trendy as the book of faces you all have your internet-based vices...ye who make no mistakes cast the first stone......

Now that we have established that I spend copiously unhealthy amounts of time perusing this video networking site I can being my rant.

I was listening to a rendition of Frederic Chopin's Nocturne, a classic piano piece, legendary for its elusive tonality, and hauntingly melodious nature. The performance was recorded years ago in Europe by Alfred Cortot, a pianist who studied under Emile Descombes, who himself was a PUPIL OF CHOPIN! Thats right, the performer was a 1 degree separation from the composer of the music!!!

So one would anticipate comments raving about what a unique opportunity it is to share in this particular version of the piece....and for the most part your anticipation is spot on....except for one tiny comment made by PIanoMANxXx....
(direct quotation spelling and all) "A deliteful peice indeed however I wud have altered the vibrattos to more aptly suite the moods of chopins desire for love. This verson was to basic and had no emotion." .................. PIanoMANxXx if you are reading this right now I pray that you take heed of my warning and catch the midnight line west and dont stop running cuz when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will bash your face into your Sony Play Time keyboard until you cant feel anything below your waste and then proceed to tell you how many ways Chopin could kill you...and I will make you listen to them all....

Really? I'm the one whos gonna have to say it....

Ok so the Boosh International may have taken a bit of a holiday recently, a small break if you will....

Alright I'll be honest, the boosh has been hemorrhaging lately...like feeding tube, artificial heart, and iron lung type trouble...After having talked to the other 2 authors I've decided without their consent to committ to re-opening the Boosh International to all our once-loyal-now-probably-annoyed-and-moved-on-in-their-lives-because-christ-if-this-blog-is-all-I-look-forward-too-then-i-need-professional-help fans. I will resume regular writing and posting of all of our old favorite subjects and bring back the noise and funk and such...So to the old now dead Boosh a hearty requiem en terra pax for you and a hello the the new offspring.....

Joe Scheduled for Tea Bagging

Conservatives are turning Joe the Plumber on Speaker Joe Hackney and the House Democrats.

Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumber who became an anti-tax symbol during last year's presidential campaign, will speak at a "tea party" rally June 3. The rally is being sponsored by Americans for Prosperity, a Raleigh-based conservative group, at 4:30 p.m. on Halifax Mall in the state government complex. Organizers say the purpose is to persuade members of the state House not to raise taxes as part of the budget plan it is now putting together.

more at source: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1531611.html

Toilet snake attack: urban legend comes true?

TAIPEI (Reuters) - A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

"As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go," the director, who declined to be named, said. "A snake's mouth isn't always clean."

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia.

(Reporting by Ralph Jennings; Editing by Nick Macfie and Miral Fahmy)

NEW SEGMENT: The BOOSH Discussion Panel

Here ye here ye! The first convention of the Boosh Discussion Panel is now in session. Please take your seats as this new segment will commence shortly. The BOOSH Discussion Panel will be a weekly event in which one BOOSHologist will pose a question relating to something of interest in the world and we will have a formal posting of arguments from our other BOOSHologists. Eventually we will open the floor up to our faithful following (that being all of you!!) to answer lifes most difficult questions. Populate your questions now and we will begin this week with our first question! See us at http://www.thebooshinternational.freeforums.org/