The Five Drivers You Meet in Hell

Driving is one of the most wonderful byproducts of technology. A car is a symphony of machine, electronics and octane all bundled into a sexy metal package. However, just like a real symphony, the entire experience is often ruined by a few annoying, obnoxious, incompetent people. Like an unappreciative groan at Carnegie Hall, these five types of drivers make driving a stressful chore.




Number 1: The Snowman

We'll start slow. REEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY Slow!!!! The snowman is the most abundant poor driver you'll see on the roads. Most of the time they stay out of your way, but on a one lane road, or the HOV lane, they're certain to get on your nerves. Like your average idiot, snowmen are easily controlled by assertiveness, just instead of making up false statistics, you just drive aggressively and the snowman will most likely move. Also like idiots, however, snowmen travel in packs. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself in a Winter Wonderland...


Number 2: The Salmon

The good thing about snowmen is that they cluster. Once you're passed them, it's smooth sailing. Salmon, on the other hand, flop haphazardly all over the effing place. Just when you speed up to pass one, there's another in front of you. Sometimes they even flop between lanes, perhaps to avoid other salmon. This chain reaction of random, oblivious flopping-around can only be fixed with a huge bulldozer. Just drive straight through a Spawning Ground and doze those sloppy bastards to the shoulder.



Number 3: The Tumbleweed

One of these confused drivers is equivalent to about 10 salmon. I don't think this needs much explanation...they blow around in the metaphoric wind that is their own GOD DAMN FLOATY INCOMPETENCE! I don't care if you're late to work and have to lather your crackly face with orange cover-up in your rear-view mirror. Nor do I care if you are giggling at the lewd potty-humor from your favorite morning show, saying to yourself, "These guys totally get me, I hope they play Taylor Swift next..." THEY HAVE SPECIAL BUSES FOR YOU! They pick which lane you should be in...i.e., NOT MINE!!



Number 4: The Block Tease

This asshole differs from the first three because the action is not a side-effect of stupidity. The Block Tease is malicious and deliberate. Here's how it works, you are driving on a two lane road, most likely in the right lane, when this self-entitled dick decides to speed up and pass you...only to SLAM on their brakes to turn into a parking lot. And ironically, Captain Aggressivo becomes Professor-Fucking-Molasses as they roll into the lot like it's a god damn BINGO convention! It's situations like this where I wish I had Stinger Missiles installed in my headlights. I bet James Bond rips through missiles quicker than he rips through hookers and martinis...and good for him. At least SOMEONE is keeping the roads clean.



Number 5: The Shadow Bitch

Ok, my temper is short, but I have learned to handle the slow, possibly mentally-lacking, drivers in small doses. Just knowing that they already live a life without free thinking and overall success is enough retribution for me. The Shadow Bitch is spineless and lacks all forms of respect...and I even respect Canada...for at least accepting they're spineless. The Shadow Bitch is the guy who drives right up you ass, treating you like an effing SNOWMAN, trying to make you go faster. You try to change lanes to let this jerk pass you, only to have him change lanes with you. You chalk it up to a coincidence and try AGAIN to step aside and politely let him pass. ONCE AGAIN he changes lanes with you. It's then that you realize that he wants to go fast, but wants YOU to get a ticket if there is a cop around the corner.

The last time I was Shadow Bitched, I had to tap the brakes, change lanes without signaling, slam on the brakes and swerve back over to get behind him...and let me tell you how fast he went once HE was in front, FIVE UNDER THE GOD DAMN SPEED LIMIT! In retrospect, I should have let him hit me from behind, called the cops, and let his 3 Frat-Party DUIs serve justice for themselves. Perhaps they would have impounded his Mercedes. In fact...I think in hell, such assholes are forced to drive around in a beat up Pinto for their first 20,000 years anyway.