What Grinds My Gears: Bike Riders

Dear Bike Riders,

If we are going to be forced to share pavement, it is in your best interest to read forward carefully. I respect you. You save money and stay in shape with your transportation method, but realize that your choice to do so is not the norm and, thus, you do NOT deserve any special privaleges, nor do you have the right to pass judgement on those of us who do not choose to ride a bike. WE share OUR road with you.
Now that we have established that you are a guest on our road:

1. I don't care about your Carbon Footprint...AT ALL. Like a god damn vegan, you stick your nose up and pass judgement on me for using resources in a selfish way. I will continue to drive my 300HP vehicle as unremorsfully as I will eat my steak.

2. You are NOT a car. I know this is obvious in text, but when you are on the road, I think you tend to forget. If the speed limit is 45 MPH, THAT is how fast you should be going. If you are on a road that is too fast for your bipedal engine, move over to the side of the road.

3. OK, you want to be treated like a car? Start by obeying traffic. Stop at red lights...even if there are no cars coming. SIGNAL before changing lanes. I have half a mind to hit other cars when they don't signal, a bike would not even damage my bumper. STAY IN YOUR FUCKING LANE!!!!! Just because you can fit in between cars doesn't give you the right to do it. I mean, if a pedestrian was walking through the cars at a stop light, even YOU would be like, "WTF, That's dangerous!" which brings me to my final point...

4. PICK ONE!!!! Pedestrian or vehicle. Street or crosswalks. By your backwards standards, if I hit you in a crosswalk, it should count as a car accident, not "hitting a pedestrian in a crosswalk." What about insurance? If I accidently open my door and hit you while you're riding past my car at a light, my insurance has to cover YOUR STUPIDITY.

There, now you know. I can no longer forgive you, now that we've had this discussion. Starting on Monday, I will hold you to the same standards as my automobile brethren. Just remember: If you can't handle the heat of the road, GET THE FUCK OFF OF IT!!!!

-TBI