What Grinds My Gears?

The Interrupter One Upper.

I truly believe there are only two things that will ever potentially motivate human beings to lay aside their differences and unite under the same banner. Scenario 1: A massive Alien invasion that will wipe out 90% of life on Earth before the rest of us pull our collective heads out of our asses just in time to discover that the invaders' secret weakness is water. Scenario 2: The mutual and passionate hatred we all share for the interrupter one upper. We human beings may never be able to surpass the differences caused by religion, politics, race etc., but the hatred for the Interrupter One Upper is so bloody uniform that it could probably added to the list of 'things that make humans human' right below opposable thumbs. The reason this hatred is so uniform is because we all know someone who falls into this category of dreg. Some of us know two or more. You may even BE ONE yourself and not realize it. Repent, for the kingdom is effing nigh.

We all know the scenario. Yer lounging around, involved in a pleasant altho not necessarily important conversation with a friend, acquaintence, or co-worker, minding yer own business when BAM! Seemingly out of thin air, like some sort of stealthy annoying ninja, the interrupter one upper appears, makes a comment that makes whatever you just said seem totally lame by comparison, and then once again vanishes before you've recovered enough to tell him what a dill hole he is. The list of people and things that make you feel like a bigger douchebag than IOU is a painfully short one indeed. Personally, theres little that can so thouroughly and effectively ruin my day. Maybe yer fortunate enough to be able to block out the memory of the last time you were personally exposed to this kind of jackassery. Just so you know, im about to ruin that.

Ex1

You: "Wow, I got front row tickets to the big concert!"

IOU: "Ive got backstage passes."

Ex2

You: "I hear we're supposed to get more snow this weekend."

IOU: "I hear we're supposed to have a massive ice storm tonight."

Ex3

You: "I had sushi for dinner last night. It was delicious."

IOU: "Last night I nailed my girlfriend and her hot room mate at the same time. It was amazing."

Ex4

You: "My dog died yesterday."

IOU: "My wife had her legs amputated yesterday."

Incon-f*cking-ceivable! And yet it happens. Constantly. And sadly the only way to make it clear to IOU that his/her inane and unwelcomed commentary is intolerable is a straight shot to the baby maker. But you cant do it can you? Why? Because like Orcs or Vampires, all IOU's have a few characteristics that make them invulnerable to the hammer of justice. Its always someone you know, but only vaguely. The guy that works in the cubicle across the hall, the girl who has the same third period stats class with you, a friend of a friend....and the majority of the times you encounter this person...he's actually pretty chill. Alway says hi in the hallway, asks you how yer significant other is doing, even buys you a shot or two when ye run into him at the bar. All as if saving up capital for the next time he strikes to ruin yer day.You may ask, "But doesnt the fact that this person is nice most of the time excuse the fact that he can, at times, be annoying?"No. Absolutely not. And i'll tell you why.You dont see him enough for it to matter. Again, this is someone you know only vaguely and see only a few times a month. thus making the one or two times a month he's a douche stand out in yer mind like a hair lip on a runway model. And like said hair lip, it will haunt yer very dreams. The decent individual with any sense of the importance of day to day politness would realize that this is not enough familiarity to justify butting into an obvious A-B conversation. This "obvious" fact seems to elude the IOU, meaning that he is either a dumbass, or an alien pod-person esque spy sent to observe human beings in preparation for that massive alien invasion i talked about in paragraph one (thats right, its all connected).

Sadly, i fear that hes just a dumbass. Just in case however, next time i encounter IOU i plan on throwing a glass of water in his/her/its face just to make sure it isnt an alien pod person (because as M. Night Shala-whats-his-face taught us, its reasonable for an Alien race who are so intelligent they have mastered inter-galactic travel are naive enough to invade a planet whos surface is 75% covered by a thing they are deathly allergic to). If it turns out that this person is not a pod person, i will simply have to regroup and formulate a new plan, which will probably involve a hefty dose of the Long Knuckle.

Cheers, Selah.

Survival++: Africanized Honey Bees

Focus, people...FOCUS! Bees are like liquid, living death. A swarm can infiltrate closed doors and nasal passages. Most bee species will turn around upon reaching a solid object, but not the Africanized Honey Bee. This species' alarm radius is much larger than European Honey Bees and they will pursue an intruder for unnecessary distances, with way more attack drones than European Bees. In short...they're like the Mongols...but insects.

A bee is literally an army of one. The hive has a sort of collective consciousness. They move together, work together...and ATTACK TOGETHER! If you kill an africanized honeybee, or if you are stung by one, it releases a pheromone saying, "Hive, AVENGE MY DEATH!!!!!!" And avenge, they will...

The "Alarm Pheromone"

Run...for God's sake, run! pick a direction away from the hive. If you don't know where it is, guess. Avoid trees, small wooden structures, and loud humming. Bees fly faster than you can run, but if you are lucky, you can outrun the pheromone's diffusion speed. When I say run, I effing mean it! Africanized honey bees WILL CHASE YOU UP TO 3 MILES! While you're running, pull out the stinger and try like holy hell to rid yourself of the pheromones.

Your best bet is to find a motor vehicle. If there are none around, look for shelter. If it's not air-tight, don't even bother, remember..."liquid, living death." They'll pour through cracks. PAY ATTENTION TO MY NEXT WORDS CAREFULLY! Don't. Take. Cover. In. Water. Africanized honey bees, unlike their un-africanized brethren, WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO SURFACE FOR AIR, then destroy you. Even if you, for some reason, have scuba gear, avoid water. Once alarmed, the bees will remain so for up to 24 hours.

So here it is...the showdown. You've been running for 25 minutes and God is no longer ammused by your prayers. You hear the swarm behind you...

...At this point, grab your smoke grenades! Smoke disrupts the bees' pheromone receptors. Deploy and keep running, this time head for a car wash. Soapy water kills bees. Unfortunately, science has not yet provided us with a practical "soapy water launcher."

Remember, preparation is always key. Stay in shape, know your surroundings, and it couldn't hurt to build an immunity to bee venom. Well, it will hurt at first. Actually, it will hurt a LOT at first. Finally, you can practice with agitating and escaping honeybees. They are exactly the same...in the same way that Athenians and Spartans are both human...

What Grinds My Gears?

Illegal Mexican Immigrants who cant speak English but make you throw out your cup of coffee.......


Let me start off by clarifying that I have no problem with our neighbors to the south, despite the influx of violence and kidnapping in the US Southwest due to the the raging Mexican drug war, the swine flu, the economic burden and social restructuring caused by such a large number of non-English-speaking illegals, I tend to like Mexico....They gave us the nacho, the cheesy gortida crunch, teKILLya, and of course Dos Equis (favorite beer of the most interesting man in the world). I am a very tolerant person.....ok, I lied, those who know me that I am probably the antithesis of tolerant...but again I reiterate, I have a lot of Mexican friends, ok some Mexican friends.......I know a person who has visited there and has family that originated there....ok...anyways...

So the other day the lady and I went to the mall to kill time while my truck was getting a tune up, we did the usual couple at the mall thing, got gellato, perused some stores, and got coffee....It was a rainy and chilly day so a nice hot cup of coffee was just what the doctor ordered....So after getting my beverage the lady went to forever 21 and I went to the cigar store to browse around....It was about that time that my phone rang (and I rocked out to the theme song of the classic show 'Shaft' before answering) As expected it was the auto shop telling me that my car was ready but failed inspection...boosh on me :-/.....so annoyed I walked upstairs to the forever 21 to get the girl and go....Now a vital piece of information here is that her cell phone was dead.....and she is a woman in a clothing store so I had to physically go in a remove her....As I approached the entrance to the store I felt comforted by the fact that my coffee was reaching that perfect temperature where I no longer have to prepare for the sting of boiling coffee, but could feel it warm me on the way down....my friends, it doesnt get any better than that.....and it was at that moment it happened....This little Mexican employee of the store was standing in the front and said abrassively...NON...cafe..non entrada el storo....Excuse me? I just need to tell my....NON Usted no puede traer eso aqui sir....WTF????? So here I am....needed to get my truck and waving for the girlfriend...desperate as she looks in my direction and then back to the shirt she wants.....

Lets take it back for a moment....When we got back from our trip to Barbados (another EFFING COUNTRY) we landed in Miami...and the woman at the sandwich shop couldn't understand what i wanted to eat.....welcome home Chai T.....then...last week we went to California Tortilla for dinner, and when I asked for a lid for my gf's salad...the woman had to get the manager because she didnt know what I wanted....A LID....YO QIERO EFFING LID B*%&$ (I swear to God if you correct my Spanish spelling I will hunt you down and beat you)

So back to the mall.....I begrudgingly throw out my coffee....get my girlfriend who of course was "just on her way out" and go pay greens for the truck.....I would totally move to Mexico and speak English til the cows came home to get them back but I would die within days with all the crap going on there....so a solution? I have none....I am too upset to continue...my gears are sufficiently ground friends......

Boosh Hall of Fame: Bill "Big Daddy" Clinton

Bill Clinton... that could be the end of this entry if I wanted it to be. Perhaps no other man in the 20th Century, or in all time, so embodies all that is, was, and ever will be BOOSH.

William Jefferson Blythe Clinton III, Attorney General of Arkansas, 40th and 42nd Governor of Arkansas, 42nd President of the United States, Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Services at Georgetown University Graduate, Rhodes Scholar and Oxford Graduate, Yale Law School Graduate, tenor saxophone genius, cheating deceitful S.O.B, and pot smoker who "never inhaled." The list goes on my friends.

Bill presided over the 4th best US economy in history, arguably ended a recession, was head of the military at its strongest point since the beginning of WWII and did so all while gettin dome from an insecure White House intern. Perhaps the most BOOSHtastic of them all is he had the stones not only to convincingly lie to his wife, but also completely disregard the American people by somehow making us feel like the bad guy. Only can a master of Boosh break one of the 10 commandments and make an entire nation feel responsible. I mean come on folks. I could go on but why tell you when I can show you. Here are some prime examples of his BOOSHness....enjoy!

Here is Bill with his VP and their public ladies (note: Bill was already porking Lewinski when this photo was taken)

This was Bill's reaction when told the American people felt betrayed.

This is Bill blaming YOU for forcing him to have inappropriate relations with some one who 'wasn't that hot'.

No need to explain this one...BOOSH


Bill Clinton's new team of advisors.

In the end I proclaim Bill Clinton as one of the supreme of BOOSHdom and hope you all line up with respect for the man that made the Presidency pimp again.

Vintage Boosh 9

I know VB is usually a video, but I deem this DPChallenge winner truly Boosh worthy.

What Grinds My Gears

Cyclists who take the 'share the road policy' too seriously....


You know what Im talking about, you'll be driving home from a long day at work, tired and thinking of chilling on your couch with a cold brew to relax after having to wipe the dribble from the mouth of corporate America's infantile ineptitude. You'll fight traffic all the way home and when you are about 3 blocks from your apartment it happens. Out comes this jackass dressed to the nines like hes training for the Tour de GAAAAY riding in the middle of the damn road. Now one would logically think that they would ride in the designated bike lane, you know the one, it has the bicycle painted on it and says BIKE LANE. Now this lane may be good enough for you recreational bikers, but NOT for the CYCLIST. Oh no, you see riding the bike lane for these guys is riding the proverbial taint of cycling bravado. To them, status is measured on going toe-to-toe with the desperate housewives driving their husbands giant SUV but in the end all they do is grind my gears.

Driving home I get behind this douche who clearly thinks he could kick Lance Armstrong in his sole remaining nut and roll into history as the next Tour de GAAAAAY winner. Hes got the tight pants the tight shirt, the butt cushion, the 4 billion dollar aerodynamic helmet, the gloves made from baby seal skin for better grip, the 6 water bottles filled with a mix of water and Christ's blood, the shoes that snap into place, calf muscles that scream I touch myself when I look in the mirror, and so on. And of COURSE I get behind him at the worst point in his workout, you know what I mean, when he is in a really high gear so he is pedalling like crazy and going about 5 miles an hour......"Its cardio conditioning bra, gotta get my swell on"....EFF YOU.....and why is it that you aren't coming home from work like me, how can you be riding already? Oh wait I forgot, you work at the movie theater during the afternoon and sit in your ticket booth decked out with pictures of men riding bikes and tell all your customers the number of their theater, your time on the 5,000 meter sprint, and to enjoy their show.....you douche....and so here I am forced to sit and stare at your lame ass as you ride down the middle of the street and of course get through the intersection just in time for the longest light on my commute to turn red, forcing me and everyone behind me to honk and flip out......And though I know you will never be good enough to race in anything bigger than the KMART race for kid with *insert obscure disease fad of the year*, I admire your undeserved sense of accomplishment and your need to hold up hard working Americans on their ride home....from all of us here at The Boosh International, a hardy EFF YOU.

What Grinds My Gears? Hangovers

This is gonna be short, sweet, and to the point. Because its pushing 9pm, and Im still hungover from last night.

We've put a man on the moon. Split the Atom. Broken the sound barrier. Cloned sheep. Anhilated smallpox. Are in the process of transferring all TVs to a digital signal. And have perfected the art of the microwavable burrito. And still, I have to endure the sensation of a gnome pounding the inside of my skull with a hammer and roadkill in my stomach after ive spent the night before drinking. One would think that since we humans have been partaking in alcohol since the dawn of recorded history, and every single culture on the planet fancies itself the home of legendary drinkers, that by now we would have concocted a way to cure/prevent the inevatable legacy of the morning after hangover. Stop dropping the ball scientists. Someone needs to get their priorities in order quick, fast, and in a hurry.