What Grinds My Gears: Bike Riders

Dear Bike Riders,

If we are going to be forced to share pavement, it is in your best interest to read forward carefully. I respect you. You save money and stay in shape with your transportation method, but realize that your choice to do so is not the norm and, thus, you do NOT deserve any special privaleges, nor do you have the right to pass judgement on those of us who do not choose to ride a bike. WE share OUR road with you.
Now that we have established that you are a guest on our road:

1. I don't care about your Carbon Footprint...AT ALL. Like a god damn vegan, you stick your nose up and pass judgement on me for using resources in a selfish way. I will continue to drive my 300HP vehicle as unremorsfully as I will eat my steak.

2. You are NOT a car. I know this is obvious in text, but when you are on the road, I think you tend to forget. If the speed limit is 45 MPH, THAT is how fast you should be going. If you are on a road that is too fast for your bipedal engine, move over to the side of the road.

3. OK, you want to be treated like a car? Start by obeying traffic. Stop at red lights...even if there are no cars coming. SIGNAL before changing lanes. I have half a mind to hit other cars when they don't signal, a bike would not even damage my bumper. STAY IN YOUR FUCKING LANE!!!!! Just because you can fit in between cars doesn't give you the right to do it. I mean, if a pedestrian was walking through the cars at a stop light, even YOU would be like, "WTF, That's dangerous!" which brings me to my final point...

4. PICK ONE!!!! Pedestrian or vehicle. Street or crosswalks. By your backwards standards, if I hit you in a crosswalk, it should count as a car accident, not "hitting a pedestrian in a crosswalk." What about insurance? If I accidently open my door and hit you while you're riding past my car at a light, my insurance has to cover YOUR STUPIDITY.

There, now you know. I can no longer forgive you, now that we've had this discussion. Starting on Monday, I will hold you to the same standards as my automobile brethren. Just remember: If you can't handle the heat of the road, GET THE FUCK OFF OF IT!!!!

-TBI

What Grinds My Gears: "The Third Guy"

There are many definitions of "That Guy." Sometimes it's "That [iPhone] Guy" taking out his phone every time there is the smallest fact to look up. Perhaps you are familiar with "That [Pretentious Band] Guy" who is always saying things like "I only listen to bands that you've never heard of. 'The Man' forces music into blah blah blah." Sure, they're annoying...but there is one "Guy" who is the epitome of social ineptitude.

To fully understand "The Third Guy" we need to understand the first two.

Guy #1: Likable and socially savvy, this guy runs the convo. He's full of quick quips and bursts of mockery. Everything he says is original and timed perfectly...usually at someone else's expense. As an example, imagine someone's being extra cocky, he'll say something witty like: "Your head is as big as a house!"


Guy #2: Slightly less confident than "The First Guy," his contribution is the addendum. A healthy add-on that says "I hear you...I understand you...and I raise you!" Something like: "A house?!?! Haha...more like a whale!"


The Third Guy: To reiterate, T3G is socially inept. He's also loud, boisterous and inappropriate. When he speaks...it is followed by awkward silence and blank stares. He takes the Second Guy's one-up as a fucking invitation! He'll stutter, get everyone's attention, and say: "IT'S AS BIG AS THE UNIVERSE!!!! HAHAHAHA! GET IT, I DID WHAT HE DID JUST BIGGER AND THUS BETTER! UNIVERSE, WHAT'S BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE, NOT A BLUE WHALE!! HAHAHA!! UNIVERSE!!!!!"

Guy 1 & Guy 2 (and everyone else in the vicinity): "...."

You owe it to society to call these people out. Forget about your polite (but awkward and actually not polite at all) silence...say something like: "No...not like the Universe...stop being a [insert blatant, uncensored, hurtful profanity]!" They may not understand what they did, but maybe they will talk less in the future.