We men don't have 'guilty' pleasures

From the Frisky by John DeVore

Men don't have "guilty pleasures." We own, nay, celebrate what's bad for us. Our obsessions are points of pride, not shame. You'll never see a guy wolf down a small mountain of waffles with a side of bacon and squeal, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I ate everything! I'm so ashamed."

We will shamelessly sit in a nest of pizza crusts playing video games for endless hours. Unabashed tears will crawl out of the corners of eyes when the hometown team chokes at the last minute. Beer will be quaffed, their caloric potency mocked. These are the things that make life worth living.

Feeling bad about feeling good, even if the good is short-term, is for puritan chumps. If I could, I'd go out everywhere in my sweat pants.

Of course, overindulging has its prices. Sloth and gluttony are venial sins for a reason. But the whole idea of "guilty pleasures" is something that is lady-specific. Women feel shame over even tiny little hedonistic infractions.

I dated a woman once who was very much my type -- hot nerd -- who was deeply embarrassed over her celebrity trash magazine addiction. She actually tried to hide her US Weekly's from prying, judgmental eyes.

Eventually, I staged an intervention that went a little like this: "Please, woman, own your love of snickering over pictures of Hollywood stretch marks!"

This is not to say men aren't susceptible to social pressures, and masculine stereotypes. There are things that, while not "guilty pleasures," are ... minor vices. Things we are into that contradict standard male operating procedure. After all, one cannot live on bacon and beer alone. But a lot of guys find themselves infatuated with hobbies, media, and creature comforts that don't really fit the lumberjack mold. I'll wager many ladies are the quiet guardians of their man's not-really-secret, but not-really-public, quirks.

I am not ashamed of anything. This is why I will admit to the following minor vices, and in the process, teach women that they can be loud and proud when it comes to the hours spent rehearsing pucker faces in front of the mirror. Boldly rock your "guilty pleasures."

Bubble baths

Anyone got a problem with that? I love bath salts, bubbles, fizzy stuff that promises to magically transform your bathtub into a sauna. The whole kit and caboodle. There is nothing I love more than a good, frou-frou soak. Heck, maybe I'll light a votive candle too.

Quiche

I ate it this past weekend, in fact. That's right. I shoveled French egg pie into my mouth. Yes, quiche, a food that sounds like an inappropriate bodily sound. It was delicious. It had spinach in it, and I washed it down with sparkling water.

Sure, I could have eaten something drenched in cheese, or deep-fried. But the moment called for something sensible, delicate, and... flaky, okay? Quiche is awesome.

Reality TV shows about shallow women

A recent minor vice has actually entered my life. Every Tuesday, I eat Chinese food and watch "The Real Housewives of New York." Have you seen this show? It's like an open invitation to hate on women.

Is this really popular female wish fulfillment? All that chattering, and glittering? They are a bunch of bedazzled banshees that suddenly make me understand why the French guillotined all the rich aristocrats!

Sigh. While I'm not overly susceptible to gender norms, I think I need to go to the comic book store, or hit the shooting range.

Vintage Boosh 8

Boosh Hall of Fame: Cpt. Bartholomew 'Black Bart' Roberts

Piggybacking off of the recent Piracy post by the indominatable Chai T (Three time winner of People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive' Award) and last night's episode of 'Deadliest Warrior: Pirate vs. Knight' on Spike TV*, I feel it is high time to induct a man after my own heart, Captain Bartholomew 'Black Bart' Roberts, into his rightful place in the Boosh Hall of Fame. In a time where the name 'Pirate' is being daily sullied by douche-bagging Somalians in fishing boats, it is important that those of us who still regard said title and profession with the esteem it deserves look to history as a source of inspiration. Enter the notorious dread pirate Black Bart.

Bart was a Welshman, which in of itself makes him sassier than 99% of human beings who ever have, do, or will live. He was born on May 17 in the year of our lord 1682 and spent the majority of his young adult life as an 'honest' sailor. Fortune would have it that Roberts became Third Mate on a slaving ship out of London called the 'Princess' (GAAAAAAY!!!). In 1719 it was anchored off the west coast of that delightful little continent called Africa when it was attacked and captured by a pair of pirate ships under the command of Howell Davis. Roberts was forced to join Davis' crew. At first, Roberts was repulsed by the notion of becoming a common pirate.

Becoming a Pirate Captain however, was all well and good. So roughly six weeks later, he became one. He would spend the next 3 years etching out his niche in history as possibly the baddest ass to ever sail the seven seas.

Now, we're probably all familiar with names like Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, and Jack Sparrow (who I will go to my deathbed regarding as a real historical figure). Truth be told however, Black Bart put them all to shame (except jack because...well come on, he fought the Kracken with a cutlass).

Blackbeard: In his roughly 5 year career, Blackbeard captured roughly a dozen major ships, 5 of which came all within a few weeks of each other during the blockade of Charleston harbor.

Captain Kidd: In a roughly 12 year career, Captain Kidd had only a handful of skirmishes and captured only two major prizes. He was actually tried and executed all the while vehemently denying he was a pirate at all. Which no self respecting pirate would ever do.

Black Bart, in roughly three years, captured 470 ships. Let that sink in for a moment. 470. If yer reaction to that is anything less than silent awe and slight sexual arousal, i want nothing tho do with you. Black Bart became so notorious that the govenors of the Caribbean colonies (Representing Britain, Spain, Portugal, France, and Holland, all of whom mind you HATED each other) pulled their wealth to hire a large fleet of independent 'pirate hunters' whose sole purpose was to hunt down Roberts and destroy him, ignoring all other pirates until this mission was accomplished. This was during he golden age of piracy people.

When word reached him that the navies of 5 of the world's superpowers put aside their differences solely to find him and open a cask of whoop ass, what do you think Roberts did? High tail it out of the Caribbean for the safer and more fertile waters off the coast of Africa? Find a nice abandoned island with a deep lagoon and lay low til the heat was off? Maybe abandon ship and comandeer (nautical term) a less recognizable one? These are all legitimate guesses, and all things that would make sense to a rational human being. Black Bart however, was not rational. He was a Pirate. So rather than do any of the above, he decided to hunt down and kill the French governor of Martinique. Why? Because that wig-wearrin land lubber really pissed him off thats why! Roberts found him alright....aboard a French Man-o-War. Problem? Psh. Hardly. Roberts laid the proverbial smackdown on the Frogs and hung the Lord Governor from the main sail of his own ship. If you aren't aware of how badass a feat this truly is; a Man-o-War at the time was armed with 124 guns. Roberts' ship was a Bermuda Sloop. Armed with 24 guns. Boosh.

All good things must come to an end however, and eventually Black Bart's luck ran out. On the 9th of February 1722, Roberts had captured the heavily laden merchant ship 'Neptune'. As per tradition, he and his men celebrated by getting completely and utterly shit-faced. By the morning of Feb. 10, they were still drunk, and still drinking actually. So what should appear on the horizon but a British Man-o-War (remember, 124 guns) the HMS 'Swallow' (again, GAAAAAY!!!) In their rum-addled state, Roberts and his men weren't able to identify the ship until it was right on top of them. By then they had one chance of escape, sailing past the 'Swallow' (GAAAAAY!!!!) and exploiting their own ship's superior speed in order to affect a hasty escape. Apparently, navigating an 18th century warship while under the influence of 12 hrs worth of rum isnt so easy, and Roberts' intoxicated helmsman actually steered the ship CLOSER to the Swallow (GAAAAAY!!!!).

As all 124 guns opened up with a barrage of hellfire, Roberts' terrified men scrambled for cover. Roberts himself however, apparently did not believe that discretion was the better part of valor. Maybe it was bravado, maybe it was the rum, but whatever the reason, rather than hide like a pansy, Roberts straddled a cannon and flipped the colonial era bird to his attackers. Thus with 12 pounds of steel AND a cannon between his legs, Bartholomew 'Black Bart' Roberts took an entire broadside worth of grapeshot to the torso and died the way he lived, drunk off of his ass and calling an Englishman queer.

Fortunately Roberts' men were still sober enough to remember, and fulfill the final request of their Captain. Before the British were able to board, they wrapped Roberts' body in chains and tossed it over the side of the ship, thereby depriving the Limey Wankers of their trophy.

So Captain 'Black Bart' Roberts, we the loyal crew of Boosh International salute you sir. I for one hope this small token of our admiration brings yer soul a small measure of solace as it burns for all of eternity in Hell. Because lets face it, if you aren't in Hell, there's probably not a God. Id be nervous that yer tormented spirit may haunt me for making a comment like that if i wasnt 100% sure that you agree. And if you did haunt me, we'd probably just come up with a way to get yer ghost drunk. Boosh.

*NOTE: In case you missed last nights episode of 'Deadliest Warrior: Pirate vs. Knight,' watch the below video for the results! The battle re-enactment is definately Boosh worthy!

What Grinds My Gears: "The Wedding Tax"

A wedding is an important day. It transcends time and space and, ultimately, affects the intrinsic value of things. I'm referring to, what I like to call, "The Wedding Tax." I have seen it from a safe distance during my many years in the "event and party" business, but only now am I experiencing it first hand.

Take a cake for instance. Go to any bakery and say that you want a cake for your brother's 26th birthday. Say that he likes strawberry filling and fondant icing. Oh, and his old fraternity brothers are coming as well, so a 2-tier would be ideal. "Haha, you know what would be awesome, if I played a joke and put a groom on top, damn would he get a kick out of that!" Get your price quote $100? $150? Reasonable, i'd say. "Oh, B.T.Dubbs, Throw a bride on top too...this is actually a wedding cake." WATCH that son of a bitch baker's eyes grow firm and angry as he aggresively doubles the price.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT A BRIDE FIGURINE ON TOP OF AN EFFING CAKE COSTS $150!?!?! Of course it doesn't! They do it because they can...because all of the "If-I-don't-get-married-now-I'll-never-have-kids" women will pay anything in their mad frenzy to marry their man before he looks at her mother and realizes she is a ticking time bomb of ugly. Multiply this by the whole midwest, and you get this Wedding Tax.

STORY TIME!!: My fiance was attempting to get her dress altered yesterday at a place which shall remain nameless...for two seconds: Sun Tailoring When quoted $200 for the alteration, my fiance asked (presumibly in a sweet and innocent way) "Isn't that a bit pricy?" "Hello! It's a wedding dress! If you don't like the price, take it somewhere else!" was the tax collector's reply. On a normal dress, the price would have been closer to $50.

Price fixing is an inherant part of our economy...but this 50-200% increase really grinds my gears!

What Piracy needs.....Is me!!

Some music to set the mood:

Without a doubt you are all familiar with the headlines reading of the bothersome and down right dangerous coast of Somalia where 'pirates' are hijacking ships and holding people for ransom. For the first time in a Century 'pirate' has once again become a household term. But this is a very disturbing thing to me. You see, back in the day, the mention of pirates made men shake with fear and envy, and made the nether regions of women tingle with mystery and delight. But today the mention of pirates conjure up thoughts of malnourished teenagers who smell like sewage and gallivant around in small fishing boats waving automatic guns....unacceptable!!!! The time is upon us to recapture the pirate name!! So join me in my conquest to return pirating to its rightful place of rum swilling high sea adventuring swagger inducing badassery!!

THE PLAN:
-Meet at JFK international airport at a time to be later specified.
-Board a plane to the island of St. Martin
-Steal a large replica ship from the 18th Century
-Arm ourselves with traditional weapons, rum, and clothing to the effect of Black Beard
-Locate an uninhabited island with a deep lagoon

THE REQUIREMENTS:
-Be willing to follow the plan
-Be open to heavy drinking
-Be open to copious amounts of sinful activity including but not limited too looting, pillaging, killing, sword fighting, unprotected acts of intercourse, and yelling profanity from the yard arm.

In no time the headlines will read: "'Pirates of the Caribbean' Comes to Life" New group returns piracy to its sexy nature!" We will drown out the Somalis

Undoubtedly we will be forced to take on a multi-national naval task force, but fear not, for our allure will protect us, CNN will read "...in other news, entire platoon of SEALS jump ship to join roving gang of swaggering swashbuckling pirate studs"

We will once again leave a legacy that Piracy is truly a calling for the brave adventure-seeking lads that live inside all of us. So stand together and say no to Somalia and yes to escapades of captain morgan induces jackassery the like of which the world has never seen....to the high seas ye mateys!!!!!!!

Boosh Hall of Fame: General Sir Banastre Tarleton

We've all seen the movie "The Patriot" starring household name and raging anti-semite Mel Gibson. I trust you all remember the ominous antagonist Col. Tavington of the Dragoon Calvary yes? Well, splendid, because that murderous vagabond is actually based on a real person. Colonial era badass Banastre Tarleton and his myrmidons, known as Tarelton's Raiders, are legend in the American Revolution for completely disregarding all orders of civility and grace by slaughtering everything from South Carolina to New Jersey. Banastre had a particular method of ruthlessness that included taking over farms, killing the men, raping and killing the women, taking the children telling them bedtime stories and killing them, and taking the slaves, making them work, telling them they are then free, watching them walk away, then killing them. Revolutionary lore has it that Banastre would test the sharpness of his sword on entire towns near Charleston. On May 29, 1780, Tarleton, with a force of 150 mounted soldiers, overtook a detachment of 350 to 380 Virginia Continentals led by Abraham Buford. Buford refused to surrender or even to stop his march. Only after sustaining heavy casualties did Buford order the surrender. What happened next is cause of heated debate. According to American accounts, Tarleton ignored the white flag and mercilessly massacred Buford's men one by one.In the end, 113 Americans were killed and another 203 captured, 150 of whom were so badly wounded that they had to be left behind. Tarleton's casualties were 5 killed and 12 wounded. The British called the affair the Battle of Waxhaw Creek, while the Americans knew it as the Buford Massacre or the Waxhaw Massacre.

Not only was Banastre a marauding slayer of the innocent, he was a massive playa as well. He seduced and married actress Mary Robison, the 18th Century Angelina Jolie, on a bet!!! Despite her wishes they had no children. After he was bored he married Susan Bertie, the illegitimate daughter of the 4th Duke of Ancaster, for the money....and nothing else. His brothers, Clayton and Thomas, ran one of the largest Slave Trading Companies in all of Britain. In vehement support of his kin, Banastre was know for his particularly wry and inappropriate sense of humor towards abolishonists, often mocking them for their beliefs before slitting their throats while simultaneously forcing slaves to perform "womanly duties" on him in front of his dying victims. "The last thing those fairy abolishonists will see as they bleed out are the slaves they tried to save servicing my British hog!", proclaimed Banastre.

One insanely BOOSH moment in his life was portrayed in the film where he locked and entire town in a Church and burned it to the ground. His reasoning, to avoid tarnishing his new uniform. BOOSH!!!!!

His demise was equally fantastic. During the Battle of Cowpens, Banastre's forces were on the verge of complete annihilation by Daniel Morgan and the Colonial Regulars. In one of histories greatest booshes, Banastre told his remaining Dragoons to assault the left flank of the Colonials saying they were weakest there. As his men charged forward he slowly drifted to the back, and when out of sight, turned and high-tailed it out of there as his men hit the strongest flank of the Colonial advance. He returned to England a hero, living in luxury. Our hats are off to you, you master of BOOSH. History will hold you in high regards Banastre Tarleton!

The Boosh Hall of Fame: David Caruso

Keep it fresh? Keep it new? How about keepin' it Caruso! He knows what works, and does it...chronically. He's comparable to the autistic child who can tell you how many words you can make out of your last name, but doesn't know what any of them mean. I am, of course, referring to the immortal, and coveted, "Sunglasses + One-Liner". This revolutionary combo is one for the history books. There is no lead in that goes missed.

Dead body on the roof: "It seems ten stories ::takes off sunglasses:: just wasn't enough for this building"

Dead hooker covered in bees: "I'm going to investigate the brothel on 9th ::puts on sunglasses:: see what all the buzz is about"

Not giving fair warning when getting a blow job: "How's that taste ::puts on sunglasses:: Bitch"

The SGOL can only be done by someone who has 0% self doubt, 100% balls, and doesn't care where his sunglasses are, as long as they aren't where they just were. START - GLASSES - PUNCHLINE - OUT! David Caruso, we salute you!