Boosh Hall of Fame: James Cameron

"You mean the Titanic guy?" Yes, "The Titanic Guy." If you call him that, I would put my money on you getting beaten half to death by a director's chair...with spikes...and flamethrowers attached to it, because this grade-A cocky badass wouldn't settle for a less-awesome director's chair to save his dying mother.

As we all know, Avatar made it's theater debut this past Friday. What you don't know is that Avatar is based on 30 years of angst... Here's the abridged story. A 22 year old James Cameron sees Star Wars, and hates every second of it. He knew that he should have made that film...Little did George Lucas know, he had a nemesis. Cameron went on to direct some Sci-fi classics such as Alien and Terminator. Though he is best known for Titanic, that was his, and I quote "Fuck-You Money."

After Titanic, Cameron traveled the world doing bad-ass stuff like swimming with Sharks and sailing through hurricanes (I'm not lying). Until one day, when the stars lined up, he made a few phone calls. One was to the CEO of Sony, basically telling them to make a 3D camera to HIS specifications, and the others were to movie theaters, demanding they use said technology. Have you seen a 3D movie in the past 5 years? Thank James Cameron...or don't...because you are a pawn in his master plan to bend George Lucas over an X-Wing and rail him with his own special-edition "Director's Lightsaber."

Fast forward to today, James Cameron has two words for Lucas..."Check" and "Mate." Avatar was planned to the T for the past 20 years, and he doesn't have to take anything from anyone...

Fox: "Do the Aliens need to have tails?"
Cameron: "Yes, they have to have tails"

For the aliens' language, Cameron hired a famous linguist to invent it...and Cameron was there for every step. "He didn’t just tell me to build a language from scratch. He actually wanted to discuss points of grammar." The world was pieced together bit-by-bit. Cameron invented dozens of plants and hired a botanist to give them names in three languages, one of which is alien language invented for the movie, and write descriptions for them. Like, legit scientific descriptions, one of which took 5 weeks to build a biological plausibility scenario. He also hired an archeologist, astrophysicist and anthropologist to further refine his vision.

Here at The Boosh, we honor bad-assery such as hurricane chasing and manly adventures, but not as much as spending exorbitant amounts of money to make highly regarded professionals carry out your imaginative biddings for your amusement.

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/11/ff_avatar_cameron/

Hall of Fame: ??????

What Grinds My Gears: Nickelback

Music has long been a staple of society. There was once a time when being a musician meant years of sacrifice, cut-throat competition, and (God for-fucking-bid) massive amounts of talent. Today, all you apparently need is a guitar and some facial hair and you are automatically a musician. Some bands still pour their heart and soul into their music...some just throw together some half-ass riffs and say a few useless things in a raspy voice. Nickelback is most certainly the latter.

First of all, the actual instrument players are like sorority girls who wont put out...they exist, but who cares. The band could be three autistic koalas rubbing sticks against Coke bottles, as long as the mindless listeners of pop music hear Chad Kroeger's raspy voice, they will suck up every ounce of Nickelback's proverbial musical vomit.

So people like Chad's distinctive (not to be confused with distinguished) voice... Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but no one can deny that Nickelback songs are void of life. Every damn thing they sing about is like a boring conversation with a pot dealer. It's usually a twenty second story stretched into 3 minutes.

Actual Possible Nickelback Lyrics
(to the tune of "Burn it to the Ground)

Red light
it's alright
Thinkin' 'bout turning right

wanna go
gotta show
gonna make their minds blow

it's safe
accelerate
goin' right can't wait!

Chorus
The Light turned green!
You know what I mean!
My turning signal told you where I'm turning my machine!
No more waiting at the corner for me tonight!



The worst part is that it is not far fetched to insinuate that Nickelback would write the same song twice with different lyrics...THEY EFFING DID IT ALREADY!!! Put headphones on and listen to the video below. "How You Remind Me" is in the left speaker and "Someday" is in the right.

Q E Mother fucking D!!!!

Driving Backwards and License Upgrades

I have made it clear that sharing the road with others grinds my gears: Exhibit A, Exhibit B. The latest run-in that I had really got me thinking about the people who I share the roads with. I'm not talking about "Hey, Wanna go halfsies on an ice cream cone" sharing. It's more like how you would share an elevator with a sweaty man.

So here's what happened: We were driving home the other night when I realized that I forgot my keycard to get into my apartment. I did what many do in this situation, and parked at the exit while my wife ran to get her keycard from her car. In the time the she was gone, someone entered the complex. This meant that I had about 10 seconds until the gate closed behind them. As you can see in the picture, there was no way to make a U-turn and still make it in time, so I put my car in reverse, and entered the complex backwards. Success!


"How is this a Boosh-Worthy story?" you may be asking. Well, my wife, at this time, was at her car where she overheard the following:

Little Girl Carving Pumpkin: "Mommy, why is that man doing that?"
Said Mommy: "Because he's an Idiot!"

Mind you, this is the same little girl who ran across the street with her sister in a stroller to pet my dog while "Mommy" was chatting with a friend and didn't realize her children were gone. But I'm an idiot for driving backwards.

Then, the lady driving out (I wasn't in her way at ALL!) Was staring at me with horror. If I had a picture of her face, you would think that she caught me painting her dog or something.

This is where my rant starts...What is the big deal about driving backwards?!?! Did that lady assume that I just floored it without looking? I was careful, especially because my wife was inside the complex. There couldn't have been a head-on collision, because the entrance is ONE WAY! There were no cars entering at the same time, and my reverse lights are brighter than some peoples headlights (you know who you are).

This isn't the first time I've gotten horrified stares for driving backwards, or revving too high, or doing a controlled power slide, or any of the other things that a qualified driver can do! What are my qualifications? According to my drivers license, I can parallel park, do a three-point turn, and STOP AT A STOP SIGN! Some people can't even do THAT and they have the same license as me.

You know what horrifies ME? When people can't pull out of a PARKING SPOT! I fear for my loved ones thinking, "How does this incompetent fool have a license?"

Bottom line, I should have a higher-class license, this license should reflect my driving experience, like a video game:

My Driving Resume:
LIE in rush hour: 10 EXP
Avoid accident: 25 EXP
In NYC: 50 EXP
Full-Sized Box Truck in NYC: 100 EXP
Full-Sized Box Truck in China Town: 200 EXP
Broken car for 800 miles: 300 EXP
Box Truck Cross Country: 300 EXP
Box Truck through the Rocky Mountains IN A BLIZZARD (seriously!): 1000 EXP

Bottom line, I will drive backwards if I feel I need to, and people should stop crying about it!

I'd really like to hear your comments on this one...

Christmas Lights: Solved

As it turns out, this time of year is the Indian holiday Diwali...AKA, Festival of the Lights. Everything makes sense now. Actually, judging by the number of Indians in my complex, I am confused as to why there are so little lights! C'mon Indians in my complex, be more festive!

Take Notes!!!

I am tempted to Diwali the fuck out of my balcony. That'll show them who's in charge around here! I'll give them 300 Watts of Diwali, right in the face!

Christmas Lights...

Things I understand: How beer is made, how a computer works, how to program a VCR to stop blinking "12:00."

Things I DON'T understand: Why people listen to Nickelback, how Sprite is a valid replacement for Mountain Dew, and WHY THE HELL SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP!

True Story, There are between 10 and 15 apartments with Christmas lights and I just don't get it. There is one guy who has festive fall shit on his porch, you know, scarecrows, pumpkins, all season-appropriate decor. There is one balcony adorned with orange and purple lights, obviously Halloween-related. The rest, Christmas, no doubt about it (and a few Hanukkah). One even has a huge white star!

What baffles me the most is that there are so many! Either everyone saw Fall Guy and wanted to have lights too, or there is just some crazy, perhaps ethnic, holiday that involves lights that I don't know about. I'm gunna go with, I live with a bunch of idiots!!!

Sorry

I know we haven't posted for a while. It's been a rough week. Trust me, there's still gear-grinding, zombie survival and other forms of booshery floating around. I'll make up for the time you lost this week. For now, enjoy this Vintage Boosh.

Verizon BOOSH

I want to give a pre-emptive STFU to all the iPhone fanboys (and girls) who are programmed to whine whenever someone says or does anything that contradicts Steve Jobs in any way, shape or form. Verizon gets a major BOOSH for this commercial.

Here at the Boosh, we don't like beating around the bush. Why subtly hint that your product is better, when you can flat out say it WITH visual aids and, even better, by using AT&T/Apple's own ad campaign against them. PURE. GENIUS. Enjoy!

Z-Day 2010: Supply Explanations

"I'm gunna bring my nail polish, and my hairspray, and my-" SHUT UP! I can't take this irresponsible nonsense anymore! The only good thing about bringing all your shit is that, if it comes down to you and me...I will live. Why is that? My supplies have a near-perfect usefulness-to-weight ratio. Meaning, I have all the tools to survive, and I can still run fast and far. Let's dive in:

Duct Tape (1 lb) - For things that aren't attached but should be. This is well known as the most useful item in the world. Bonus: 2 rolls of duct tape

Hatchet (2.4 lbs) - For chopping wood. Firewood, barricade logs, wooden stakes. It also doubles as a hammer and triples as a weapon. Bonus: Blade Sharpener



Hand Saw (2.3 lbs) - More accurately, a hacksaw. This tool will help you cut wood, locks, hinges, pipes, cable and bone. I only hope that the bone is venison and not an infected limb. Bonus: Extra Blades

Rope (.4 lbs) - Rope is used for way more than tying shit. You can use it to pitch a tent, not get crushed when you cut down trees, to go up or down obstacles, or my favorite, set traps. Bonus: Carabiner and pulleys

Camping Shovel (3 lbs) - This tool is used for navigation, painting, and baking angel food cake... IT'S FOR EFFING DIGGING!!!! Bonus: Pick Axe

Plastic Garbage Bags (.5 to 4 lbs) - There are probably a few purposes for these, but the main purpose is drinking water. You will need one black bag to three clear bags. What you do is dig a hole (with your shovel!!) and cover the hole with black plastic forming a basin. Next, create a tripod out of sticks. Finally, cover the tripod with clear plastic making sure the bottom corners are tight. Result, water purifier. The sun evaporates the water in the black basin, the water condenses on the clear plastic and falls down the edges where you catch it in a cup, bucket, or another hole. Bonus: ...?

4'-5' 2x4 (2 lbs) - Drive a nail into that sucker and you have a 2x4 with a nail in it! Technology has not given us a better weapon. Bonus: Hockey Tape

Vegetable Seeds (near-weightless) - Eventually the Jerky will run out... Bonus: Indentured Servants

Additional Bonus Items: Pocket Knife/Multi-tool, Flint/Lint (for starting fires), grenades, Map/Compass

"Then there's Denny"

I saw this on Reddit this morning and it was too good not to share. The source is an anonymous post on 4chan:

"Okay, back story. I work at a cafe, and above the cafe there are apartments. Most of them belong to drug dealers and those who buy from them. Then there's Denny.

Denny is about 65 now, I believe. He's old, walks barefoot with a cane, wears a straw hat everywhere, and looks like Alan Moore, and usually refers to me as 'Peach.' He's traveled the entire world, twice, and still does. Usually he hitchhikes. He always tells me stories of adventures in exchange for coffee and a brownie.

So, it's winter, and it's been a pretty lazy day. Denny's sipping his coffee. I'm on my laptop when this dude with a horribly fake tan bursts in an demands a coffee. So, I work fast because I can see this dude's in a hurry, when I burn my hand pretty bad spilling some coffee on it. I can hear this dude give out a loud 'UGH.' So, I cool my hand up and give him his coffee, he snatches it from my hand and says the service here sucks. Jerkwad doesn't even pay me, and suddenly Denny's blocking his way out the door.

Denny: 'Scuse me sir, but you haven't payed Peach there for her work.

Jerkwad: Please tell 'Peach' it's not my fault she's clumsy as hell.

Denny: You've misunderstood me, sir. Peach over there works a lot harder than you, and you look like you can spare a dollar.

Jerkwad: Look, just stop blocking the door and I'll be on my way.

Denny holds up the cane, and pulls up the little jewel on top of it. HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING SWORD IN HIS GODDAMN CANE. And you want to know what he says?

'I've killed better men than you, pay Peach her goddamn dues.'

Jerkwad freads out, runs back to the counter and shoves a fifty on it. Murmurs something like 'Keep the change' and runs out the door. Denny casually sheaths his cane sword, sits back down and orders a refill."

Boosh Hall of Fame: These Effin' Guys

I'm sorry world, but I live in a fantasy land. Remember the pirates back in April? If not, refresh your memory! Anyways, the world made a big whiny deal about "real pirates" and how people shouldn't romanticize criminals. It was crap then and it's crap now! Pirates are fun-loving, drunken scalliwags of the sea and HEISTS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Today, a crime gang in Sweden pulled off the most awesome heist of the past 5 years (maybe longer). The criminal masterminds, estimated to be about 10 people, stole a helicopter and flew over a G4S building in Stockholm. The team then proceeded to repel through the roof, deploy tactical explosives and rob a not-yet-disclosed amount of cash from the facility. Where were police during this event? GROUNDED! The thieves placed live explosives at the police airfield as a successful countermeasure.

I say a masterpiece is a masterpiece, whether it's an engineering marvel, or a flawless heist, The Boosh International says "Thanks for making this Wednesday a lot more entertaining than Tuesday!" Now, I'm going to watch The Italian Job!

Vintage Boosh: iPhone Idiot (but first...)

...Check out that rise in viewership.

That's what I'm talking about!!!! We appreciate all of the feedback (except for the one person who told us to lay down and die, thankfully you're the minority, dick). So here's how it's gunna go down. Two updates per week minimum, we'll try for three. To itemize, one heart-healthy, boosh worthy article, and editorials and commentary for the rest. Again, if you like The Boosh, KEEP SPREADING THE WORD! Post updates on your Facebook Wall, follow us on Twitter tell us what you want to see .

Signs of Teabagging

The 1st ammendment, has been raped more than a choir boy. Self-entitlement is raging as the half-baked picket signs fly around while a bunch of under-educated drones whine right below them. This is obviously about the Health Care Bill rally in DC this past weekend, but not about the nonsense that ensued, but the SIGNS! People can bitch about whatever they want, whenever they want...that's why we still have Labor Unions. When you hoist those picket signs in the air...think about what they say!

"Obama is a Nazi" - ...because Hitler's healthcare plan was ALSO government regulated. By that logic, Obama is also a Roman because both him and Marcus Aurelius supported free speech and a Bicameral Government. The funny thing is that if Obama signed a bill that relocated all Jews in America to Maine...none of the Teabaggers would be able to make that connection back to Hitler.

I'm gunna cut to the one that really pissed me off...

"Jesus is the Messiah, not Obama." - WTF?!?!? I always mocked the SAT Exam for those stupid analogies, but it seems they were responsible for keeping these fools out of college!! What did JESUS have to do with HEALTHCARE POLICY? Do the teabaggers want Obama to fund churches for faith healings? Are they upset about Obama's utter neglegence to Lepers? Or are they JUST. FUCKING. IDIOTS.

Should we stick around?

I'm gunna cut right to the chase...viewership is way down. We want to do what's best, a "Win-Win-Win" if you will. Tell us what will keep you reading by taking our poll (to the left). If it's time to put the Boosh down Ol' Yeller style, then that's what we'll do. I only hope, for the good of mankind, that there are people out there who want more Velociraptors, Zombies and Snarky, angst-filled commentary.

The best you can do, if you still enjoy the Boosh, HARRASS PEOPLE! Send Boosh Bombs on facebook, send links to your friends, use Twitter (if you're into that). "www.thebooshinternational.blogspot.com" is only 38 characters. That leaves you 122 characters to tell the world that you're eating a sandwich, or whatever mundaine nonsense you usually tweet about...spice it up with some Booshery!

Something you wanna see again, or something you want dead?

Give us a piece of your mind: thebooshinternational@gmail.com

Survival++: Locusts

There is a reason that almost every space-based video game in the past 1o years has some sort of winged bug as enemies. It's because Mother Nature, in her twisted plot against humanity, embodied horror within this creature. I can see the conversation unfolding:

Nature: ...and I'll give it a huge stinger, and claws...and WINGS!!!

God: No, you can't make Scorpions fly. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Nature: Ok fine, no stinger-

God: Or claws!

Nature: FINE! I'll agree on non-lethal, but only if they can eat everything in sight.

God: I don't see a problem with that..how much can a little bug eat?

Short answer...a fucking LOT!!! The desert locust (the star of the Egyptian Plague) can eat its own weight in food each day. For a large swarm, this equates to 160 Metric Tons in a day! That's enough food to feed 80,000 Americans for a day, which probably equates to, like, 2oo,ooo Africans. If the numbers aren't shocking enough...note that Locust Plagues never last only a day.

Plague of Locusts

So how do you stay alive? This one is all about preparation. First, canned food. I would even suggest taking the labels off. Only God knows what will happen if they gain cognitive awareness. Why can't you just stash real food in your house? Because the locusts can and WILL penetrate your house. It's not a matter of "IF" it's a matter of "HOW MANY" and that depends on YOU!

Your first line of defense should be filling the cracks in your walls and foundation. I don't mean caulk, either...I'm talking mortar or arc welding. I don't care if you encase your entire house in cement, some will get through. As simple as it sounds, have a tennis racquet handy. If you can replace the nylon strings with cutting wire, that would be a major plus.

Now for the coup de douleur. This elaborate contraption is what I like to call it the "Funnel of Doom." Create an air-tight chamber between the outside of your house and an internal wall. Put some crops in the chamber with a fixed layer of mesh steel on top. This is the bait. The flamethrower should take care of the rest!

The Funnel of Doom (patent pending)

Z-Day 2010: Supplies

The biggest mistake people have about Z-Day is that their time will be easily manageable. Most would plan to swing by the grocery store for some hearty looting of canned goods before waiting it out in the mountains for a few days. If this is your plan, you're off to a good start...meaning you recognize the need to get far away from zombies and that humans need to eat. If this is your half-baked plan, you'll be dead by the end of the week! Weapons aside, here are the most important items for you have.

Salt, Salt, SALT:

I cannot stress enough how important salt is. Sure, canned foods are not a bad thing, but come day 9, when they run out, and you have to start hunting...you will want the world's oldest natural preservative on hand. I'm also not talking about a shaker...pounds of salt!!!

Beef Jerkey and Dried Fruits:

This one speaks for itself. Already preserved, jerkey is a great source of protein, resealable bags.

Vitamins:

Without Vitamin C: Your teeth fall out

Without Vitamin D: Your bones become brittle

Without Vitamin A: You can't see at night (REALLY bad against zombies)

I can go on, but the bottom line is: Survival requires good health. Grab a few months' worth.

Now that we have the important food items, it's off to the Home Depot. Grab these items, and these items only!

-Duct Tape

-Hatchet

-Hand Saw

-Rope

-Camping Shovel

-Plastic Garbage Bags

-4'-5' 2x4

-Vegetable Seeds

Don't ask questions...this is about trust!!! Next time, we'll tell you how these items will save your life!

The Five Drivers You Meet in Hell

Driving is one of the most wonderful byproducts of technology. A car is a symphony of machine, electronics and octane all bundled into a sexy metal package. However, just like a real symphony, the entire experience is often ruined by a few annoying, obnoxious, incompetent people. Like an unappreciative groan at Carnegie Hall, these five types of drivers make driving a stressful chore.




Number 1: The Snowman

We'll start slow. REEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY Slow!!!! The snowman is the most abundant poor driver you'll see on the roads. Most of the time they stay out of your way, but on a one lane road, or the HOV lane, they're certain to get on your nerves. Like your average idiot, snowmen are easily controlled by assertiveness, just instead of making up false statistics, you just drive aggressively and the snowman will most likely move. Also like idiots, however, snowmen travel in packs. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself in a Winter Wonderland...


Number 2: The Salmon

The good thing about snowmen is that they cluster. Once you're passed them, it's smooth sailing. Salmon, on the other hand, flop haphazardly all over the effing place. Just when you speed up to pass one, there's another in front of you. Sometimes they even flop between lanes, perhaps to avoid other salmon. This chain reaction of random, oblivious flopping-around can only be fixed with a huge bulldozer. Just drive straight through a Spawning Ground and doze those sloppy bastards to the shoulder.



Number 3: The Tumbleweed

One of these confused drivers is equivalent to about 10 salmon. I don't think this needs much explanation...they blow around in the metaphoric wind that is their own GOD DAMN FLOATY INCOMPETENCE! I don't care if you're late to work and have to lather your crackly face with orange cover-up in your rear-view mirror. Nor do I care if you are giggling at the lewd potty-humor from your favorite morning show, saying to yourself, "These guys totally get me, I hope they play Taylor Swift next..." THEY HAVE SPECIAL BUSES FOR YOU! They pick which lane you should be in...i.e., NOT MINE!!



Number 4: The Block Tease

This asshole differs from the first three because the action is not a side-effect of stupidity. The Block Tease is malicious and deliberate. Here's how it works, you are driving on a two lane road, most likely in the right lane, when this self-entitled dick decides to speed up and pass you...only to SLAM on their brakes to turn into a parking lot. And ironically, Captain Aggressivo becomes Professor-Fucking-Molasses as they roll into the lot like it's a god damn BINGO convention! It's situations like this where I wish I had Stinger Missiles installed in my headlights. I bet James Bond rips through missiles quicker than he rips through hookers and martinis...and good for him. At least SOMEONE is keeping the roads clean.



Number 5: The Shadow Bitch

Ok, my temper is short, but I have learned to handle the slow, possibly mentally-lacking, drivers in small doses. Just knowing that they already live a life without free thinking and overall success is enough retribution for me. The Shadow Bitch is spineless and lacks all forms of respect...and I even respect Canada...for at least accepting they're spineless. The Shadow Bitch is the guy who drives right up you ass, treating you like an effing SNOWMAN, trying to make you go faster. You try to change lanes to let this jerk pass you, only to have him change lanes with you. You chalk it up to a coincidence and try AGAIN to step aside and politely let him pass. ONCE AGAIN he changes lanes with you. It's then that you realize that he wants to go fast, but wants YOU to get a ticket if there is a cop around the corner.

The last time I was Shadow Bitched, I had to tap the brakes, change lanes without signaling, slam on the brakes and swerve back over to get behind him...and let me tell you how fast he went once HE was in front, FIVE UNDER THE GOD DAMN SPEED LIMIT! In retrospect, I should have let him hit me from behind, called the cops, and let his 3 Frat-Party DUIs serve justice for themselves. Perhaps they would have impounded his Mercedes. In fact...I think in hell, such assholes are forced to drive around in a beat up Pinto for their first 20,000 years anyway.

Wednesdays!!!!!

I just wanted to send out a quick letter to our fans. WELCOME BACK!!!! According to Google Analytics, our traffic is up 130% since we came back from our, admittedly lame, hiatus. In order to avoid the same dreadful situation, we are going to make Wednesday our official update day. No more cursing the skies for inconsistent Booshery. No more wondering when, or IF, your next Boosh will come. The answer...WEDNESDAY!!!!

Don't worry, this "Once a Week" nonsense is only temporary...The goal is THRICE a week! So, KEEP READING, COMMENT, CONTACT US AND...
SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Until next Wednesday, enjoy this Vintage Boosh

New Segment: Z-Day 2010

It seems that Survival++ was not enough. I can't say that we didn't try, but preparedness for Z-Day is at an all-time low. "It's never gunna happen!" Actual quote from my closest loved one. The truth is that Z-Day is only getting closer and YOU ARE NOT READY!!!! STOP! Don't think...Just answer these three questions as quickly as possible:

1) How many cubic meters are in your car?
2) How many miles can you travel on the gas in your vehicle right now?
3) Where is your meet-up spot?

51.8 cubic feet, enough to hold me, my wife, my dog, 20lbs of salt, food for a week, golf clubs, crowbar and chainsaw.

243 miles, enough to get me out of the Washington Metro Area

Boyertown PA, 1000' Elevation, far from major cities and within a mile of a post office

If you can't answer all of these you have two choices...

Stay tuned for more Z-Day 2010...

or do us survivors a favor and, on Z-Day, kill yourself. One less undead bastard for us to worry about.

Boosh Hall of Fame: Nikola Tesla

Here at The Boosh, we have many heros such as George Washington, Tyler Durden, the guy who invented Pilates. My true hero, however, is history's TRUE mad scientist and rogue engineer, Nikola Tesla. Many of you will of course say "Who?", but it's not your fault! Just like Christopher Columbus' sadistic Native American Slaughter-fest, American schools don't teach about Tesla, but you may know his arch nemesis, Thomas Edison.


Edison's Bio: Built some stuff, made a lightbulb, was an arrogant bastard.


Tesla's Bio: Build some BADASS stuff, tried to sell a DEATHRAY to the US Military, was also an arrogant bastard...but with a slight bit of instability.

I can go on for hours about this insane genius, but for the sake of time, I'll boil it down to bullets:

• Although Edison invented the bulb, tesla's invention of AC power gives energy to every light bulb you have ever seen

• Magnetic Flux Density is measured in Teslas. Nothing is measured in Edisons, except maybe receiving boring patents.

• The Tesla Coil is the single most awesomely distructive DIY project of all time.

Small Tesla Coil

• Would have been the world's first BILLIONAIRE...but he thought that power should be free for everyone

• Pioneered the concept of: Radio (invented the first one), Wireless Power (that scene from The Prestige with the lightbulbs in the ground was true), Wireless Communication (built a cell phone tower in 1915) and Radar.
  

Also, incase I didn't mention...
DEATH RAY!

What Grinds My Gears: Forced Public Apologies

We learned as children that an apology is not about the words, it's about intent. We've all been part of this convo:

"Say you're sorry."
"sorry"
"...like you mean it."
"Uggghhhhhh, I'm Soooorry"

Verbally admiitting that one effed up means nothing unless the apology is sincere and voluntary. Because of this, there came a time in my life where the need for an apolgy seemed childish (I believe I was 7). Why then, I ask, do the grown adults who allegedly RUN this country whine like little bitches when they get made fun of? I mean, is saying "Political Figure A is not smart" REALLY that big of a deal? Apparently so, and subsequenty the offender, contrary to the logic of a seven-year-old, needs to stand on a podium in front of cameras and pretend to be sorry for what he did.

Even WORSE is when the General Public wants an apology when they weren't even victims...AT ALL!! Let's take South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. He cheated on his wife. Tell me...how does anyone other than his WIFE deserve an apology!?!?! Even if he DID owe the sensitive, state of South Carol-WHINE-a an apology, all he's REALLY saying is "To all those I hurt...I really wish I didn't get caught. Next time, I'll try harder NOT to." Wow, I sure feel better after that apology!

What Grinds My Gears?

The douche bag "expert" musician that comments on a youtube video about how the selection was good but how they would do it better.....

First of all let me be clear, youtube is an addiction, and I am a self-acknowledged addict. Dont jump on me from your pedestals because we all know that while youtube is not as trendy as the book of faces you all have your internet-based vices...ye who make no mistakes cast the first stone......

Now that we have established that I spend copiously unhealthy amounts of time perusing this video networking site I can being my rant.

I was listening to a rendition of Frederic Chopin's Nocturne, a classic piano piece, legendary for its elusive tonality, and hauntingly melodious nature. The performance was recorded years ago in Europe by Alfred Cortot, a pianist who studied under Emile Descombes, who himself was a PUPIL OF CHOPIN! Thats right, the performer was a 1 degree separation from the composer of the music!!!

So one would anticipate comments raving about what a unique opportunity it is to share in this particular version of the piece....and for the most part your anticipation is spot on....except for one tiny comment made by PIanoMANxXx....
(direct quotation spelling and all) "A deliteful peice indeed however I wud have altered the vibrattos to more aptly suite the moods of chopins desire for love. This verson was to basic and had no emotion." .................. PIanoMANxXx if you are reading this right now I pray that you take heed of my warning and catch the midnight line west and dont stop running cuz when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will bash your face into your Sony Play Time keyboard until you cant feel anything below your waste and then proceed to tell you how many ways Chopin could kill you...and I will make you listen to them all....

Really? I'm the one whos gonna have to say it....

Ok so the Boosh International may have taken a bit of a holiday recently, a small break if you will....

Alright I'll be honest, the boosh has been hemorrhaging lately...like feeding tube, artificial heart, and iron lung type trouble...After having talked to the other 2 authors I've decided without their consent to committ to re-opening the Boosh International to all our once-loyal-now-probably-annoyed-and-moved-on-in-their-lives-because-christ-if-this-blog-is-all-I-look-forward-too-then-i-need-professional-help fans. I will resume regular writing and posting of all of our old favorite subjects and bring back the noise and funk and such...So to the old now dead Boosh a hearty requiem en terra pax for you and a hello the the new offspring.....

Joe Scheduled for Tea Bagging

Conservatives are turning Joe the Plumber on Speaker Joe Hackney and the House Democrats.

Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumber who became an anti-tax symbol during last year's presidential campaign, will speak at a "tea party" rally June 3. The rally is being sponsored by Americans for Prosperity, a Raleigh-based conservative group, at 4:30 p.m. on Halifax Mall in the state government complex. Organizers say the purpose is to persuade members of the state House not to raise taxes as part of the budget plan it is now putting together.

more at source: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1531611.html

Toilet snake attack: urban legend comes true?

TAIPEI (Reuters) - A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

"As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go," the director, who declined to be named, said. "A snake's mouth isn't always clean."

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia.

(Reporting by Ralph Jennings; Editing by Nick Macfie and Miral Fahmy)

NEW SEGMENT: The BOOSH Discussion Panel

Here ye here ye! The first convention of the Boosh Discussion Panel is now in session. Please take your seats as this new segment will commence shortly. The BOOSH Discussion Panel will be a weekly event in which one BOOSHologist will pose a question relating to something of interest in the world and we will have a formal posting of arguments from our other BOOSHologists. Eventually we will open the floor up to our faithful following (that being all of you!!) to answer lifes most difficult questions. Populate your questions now and we will begin this week with our first question! See us at http://www.thebooshinternational.freeforums.org/

NEW SEGMENT: Joe the Plumber Watch

Ladies and Gentlemen, today we unveil the latest and greatest from the BOOSH Research and Development Labs. THE JOE THE PLUMBER WATCH. If you remember back to the early days of the Boosh International, we posted an editorial about Joe and his forays into Politics and Sociology. Well, we have noticed that slowly, and undercurrent of Joe The Plumber references in the news has risen in the past few months. Alarmed that this could jeopardize your rights as Americans and the very fabric of this nation we love, we at the Boosh have decided to create a watch center....staffed with dozens of the nations top analysts and political strategists, we will work in 24 hour 7 day a week shifts to bring you the most up-to-date reporting on the activities of Joe The Plumber so you and your children can rest easy. The steadfast dedication of The Boosh International will keep you in the know and safe from all harm. Look for our first reports soon!

Survival++: The Swine Flu

In the 14th Century the Black Plague claimed between 75 and 200 million lives. Though disputed this number would translate into roughly 50% of the European population.

In the 16th Century almost the entire Inca empire was eradicated by smallpox as a result of the Spanish Conquest of the New World.

The Third Pandemic, started in China in the middle of the 19th century, spreading plague to all inhabited continents and killing 10 million people in India alone. During this pandemic, the United States saw its first case of plague in 1900 in San Francisco.

Today, The Swine flu, also known as H1N1 has claimed the lives of 3 Americans as of May 10th. These deaths were attributed to the lack of medical attention to the flu virus. MY GOD PEOPLE IT MUST BE JUDGMENT DAY!!!!!!!!

For several weeks now the major news organizations have completely ignored ongoing global and economic woes to maintain a tight watch on the ever growing Swine "pandemic". Because we care, The Boosh International is here to give you some much needed advice on how to weather this apocalyptic outbreak.

In order to understand how to survive we must first learn the symptoms of the killer N1H1, they are as follow:

-Body aches, especially joints and throat
-Mild coldness and fever
-Fatigue
-Headache
-Irritated watering eyes
-Reddened eyes, skin (especially face), mouth, throat and nose
-Mild Vomiting and diarrhea

Compare that to the Black Plagues wimpy symptoms that included but were not limited to (BY ANY MEANS), intense high fever, vomiting of feces, and bloody exposed boils that burst with sewage-smelling puss as your nervous system shut down, we would have been so lucky to live in 14th Century Europe.

The first thing you need to do in preparation to survive is buy a good box of Kleenex. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THEM WITH ALOE!!!! Seriously, if you go the bargain route and by the 95 cent boxes of tissues from your local bulk goods store you will pay with a red, chaffed,horribly unattractive nose caused by the sandpaper quality of the tissue! Also, hot tea is a must, preferably the kind you buy at a specialty store that is organic, contains herbs from a country that has had at least 2 social revolutions, and comes in a recyclable box. You must pay top dollar for this tea but hey, you want to LIVE!! Taking Zinc supplements is also advisable but more important than any of the above it this, and pay attention, this could be the difference between life and death.....are you ready?????


you sure????

PRACTICE BASIC HYGIENE! Wash your hands before you eat and after you go to the bathroom. Cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze. And for Christs bloody sake dont double dip at the dinner party!!

Now you can prepare all you want and still catch this deadly hog killer. If you should be so unfortunate be prepared to fight an uphill battle of mild discomfort, reasonably high temperatures, a soar throat that isn't that different from when you were in grade school, and possibly mild vomiting and dry heaving. This torment could last up to a week with treatment. Oh and treatment is getting your ass in your car and going to the doctor for an antibiotic prescription.

All I can say is pray and stay safe. Turn on CNN, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, LOU DOBBS, ANDERSON 360, WOLF BLITZER'S SITUATION ROOM, THE GLENN BECK SHOW, HANNITY, BBC, AL JAZEERA, REUTERS, OR ANY OTHER for details and updates. God speed fellow Booshers. Make your peace now, for tomorrow we all may be......on our couch watching re-runs of Family Guy and eating chicken soup......

Chai T

Vintage Boosh 10

What Grinds My Gears: Diagonal Walkers

I don't mind sharing pavement with pedestrians. It is totally understandable that, sometimes, a person needs to get to the other side of a street, I've done it a few times myself. I will follow MY end of the bargain and not run you over if you follow YOURS and get out of my way as quickly as possible, because let's face it... I am graciously sharing the road, a place where you have no business being. As you make your way across the street, my anger increases exponentially, as depicted in Figure 1.

Figure 1: Get Out of My Way vs. Pissed Off-ness

Notice that around 3.5 "Murderous Tendancy Units" we reach the "Action Threshold" and cross into the "Rectangle of Hospitalization." This is the point where I may get a crazy spasm in my legs and arms causing me to accidently push the clutch, shift into first and floor it! Even the elderly usually make it across the street clear of the threshold.

On to the inconsiderate dicks... FIRST OF ALL, if you are crossing diagonally, you are not in your designated crosswalk. I DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE MY PART OF THE ROAD WITH YOU!!!! Stay in your designated five-foot-wide space. Congrats, you have already pissed me off and lowered the Action Threshold. I'll spare you the mathematics, but if we look in Figure 2, forty-five degrees of inconsiderate behavior, in conjunction with the out-of-crosswalk shenanigans, puts the average pedestrian comfortably into the Rectangle of Hospitalization.

Figure 2: Diagonal Walking

Whether it's the "Greasy-haired White Trash," the "Middle-aged Spoiled Trophy Wife," or even the "Whateva-I-Do-What-I-Want Teeny Boppers" remember, you are borrowing MY road... and if you Grind my Gears by walking diagonally, you are gambling with your worthless life!

What Grinds My Gears?

The Interrupter One Upper.

I truly believe there are only two things that will ever potentially motivate human beings to lay aside their differences and unite under the same banner. Scenario 1: A massive Alien invasion that will wipe out 90% of life on Earth before the rest of us pull our collective heads out of our asses just in time to discover that the invaders' secret weakness is water. Scenario 2: The mutual and passionate hatred we all share for the interrupter one upper. We human beings may never be able to surpass the differences caused by religion, politics, race etc., but the hatred for the Interrupter One Upper is so bloody uniform that it could probably added to the list of 'things that make humans human' right below opposable thumbs. The reason this hatred is so uniform is because we all know someone who falls into this category of dreg. Some of us know two or more. You may even BE ONE yourself and not realize it. Repent, for the kingdom is effing nigh.

We all know the scenario. Yer lounging around, involved in a pleasant altho not necessarily important conversation with a friend, acquaintence, or co-worker, minding yer own business when BAM! Seemingly out of thin air, like some sort of stealthy annoying ninja, the interrupter one upper appears, makes a comment that makes whatever you just said seem totally lame by comparison, and then once again vanishes before you've recovered enough to tell him what a dill hole he is. The list of people and things that make you feel like a bigger douchebag than IOU is a painfully short one indeed. Personally, theres little that can so thouroughly and effectively ruin my day. Maybe yer fortunate enough to be able to block out the memory of the last time you were personally exposed to this kind of jackassery. Just so you know, im about to ruin that.

Ex1

You: "Wow, I got front row tickets to the big concert!"

IOU: "Ive got backstage passes."

Ex2

You: "I hear we're supposed to get more snow this weekend."

IOU: "I hear we're supposed to have a massive ice storm tonight."

Ex3

You: "I had sushi for dinner last night. It was delicious."

IOU: "Last night I nailed my girlfriend and her hot room mate at the same time. It was amazing."

Ex4

You: "My dog died yesterday."

IOU: "My wife had her legs amputated yesterday."

Incon-f*cking-ceivable! And yet it happens. Constantly. And sadly the only way to make it clear to IOU that his/her inane and unwelcomed commentary is intolerable is a straight shot to the baby maker. But you cant do it can you? Why? Because like Orcs or Vampires, all IOU's have a few characteristics that make them invulnerable to the hammer of justice. Its always someone you know, but only vaguely. The guy that works in the cubicle across the hall, the girl who has the same third period stats class with you, a friend of a friend....and the majority of the times you encounter this person...he's actually pretty chill. Alway says hi in the hallway, asks you how yer significant other is doing, even buys you a shot or two when ye run into him at the bar. All as if saving up capital for the next time he strikes to ruin yer day.You may ask, "But doesnt the fact that this person is nice most of the time excuse the fact that he can, at times, be annoying?"No. Absolutely not. And i'll tell you why.You dont see him enough for it to matter. Again, this is someone you know only vaguely and see only a few times a month. thus making the one or two times a month he's a douche stand out in yer mind like a hair lip on a runway model. And like said hair lip, it will haunt yer very dreams. The decent individual with any sense of the importance of day to day politness would realize that this is not enough familiarity to justify butting into an obvious A-B conversation. This "obvious" fact seems to elude the IOU, meaning that he is either a dumbass, or an alien pod-person esque spy sent to observe human beings in preparation for that massive alien invasion i talked about in paragraph one (thats right, its all connected).

Sadly, i fear that hes just a dumbass. Just in case however, next time i encounter IOU i plan on throwing a glass of water in his/her/its face just to make sure it isnt an alien pod person (because as M. Night Shala-whats-his-face taught us, its reasonable for an Alien race who are so intelligent they have mastered inter-galactic travel are naive enough to invade a planet whos surface is 75% covered by a thing they are deathly allergic to). If it turns out that this person is not a pod person, i will simply have to regroup and formulate a new plan, which will probably involve a hefty dose of the Long Knuckle.

Cheers, Selah.

Survival++: Africanized Honey Bees

Focus, people...FOCUS! Bees are like liquid, living death. A swarm can infiltrate closed doors and nasal passages. Most bee species will turn around upon reaching a solid object, but not the Africanized Honey Bee. This species' alarm radius is much larger than European Honey Bees and they will pursue an intruder for unnecessary distances, with way more attack drones than European Bees. In short...they're like the Mongols...but insects.

A bee is literally an army of one. The hive has a sort of collective consciousness. They move together, work together...and ATTACK TOGETHER! If you kill an africanized honeybee, or if you are stung by one, it releases a pheromone saying, "Hive, AVENGE MY DEATH!!!!!!" And avenge, they will...

The "Alarm Pheromone"

Run...for God's sake, run! pick a direction away from the hive. If you don't know where it is, guess. Avoid trees, small wooden structures, and loud humming. Bees fly faster than you can run, but if you are lucky, you can outrun the pheromone's diffusion speed. When I say run, I effing mean it! Africanized honey bees WILL CHASE YOU UP TO 3 MILES! While you're running, pull out the stinger and try like holy hell to rid yourself of the pheromones.

Your best bet is to find a motor vehicle. If there are none around, look for shelter. If it's not air-tight, don't even bother, remember..."liquid, living death." They'll pour through cracks. PAY ATTENTION TO MY NEXT WORDS CAREFULLY! Don't. Take. Cover. In. Water. Africanized honey bees, unlike their un-africanized brethren, WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO SURFACE FOR AIR, then destroy you. Even if you, for some reason, have scuba gear, avoid water. Once alarmed, the bees will remain so for up to 24 hours.

So here it is...the showdown. You've been running for 25 minutes and God is no longer ammused by your prayers. You hear the swarm behind you...

...At this point, grab your smoke grenades! Smoke disrupts the bees' pheromone receptors. Deploy and keep running, this time head for a car wash. Soapy water kills bees. Unfortunately, science has not yet provided us with a practical "soapy water launcher."

Remember, preparation is always key. Stay in shape, know your surroundings, and it couldn't hurt to build an immunity to bee venom. Well, it will hurt at first. Actually, it will hurt a LOT at first. Finally, you can practice with agitating and escaping honeybees. They are exactly the same...in the same way that Athenians and Spartans are both human...

What Grinds My Gears?

Illegal Mexican Immigrants who cant speak English but make you throw out your cup of coffee.......


Let me start off by clarifying that I have no problem with our neighbors to the south, despite the influx of violence and kidnapping in the US Southwest due to the the raging Mexican drug war, the swine flu, the economic burden and social restructuring caused by such a large number of non-English-speaking illegals, I tend to like Mexico....They gave us the nacho, the cheesy gortida crunch, teKILLya, and of course Dos Equis (favorite beer of the most interesting man in the world). I am a very tolerant person.....ok, I lied, those who know me that I am probably the antithesis of tolerant...but again I reiterate, I have a lot of Mexican friends, ok some Mexican friends.......I know a person who has visited there and has family that originated there....ok...anyways...

So the other day the lady and I went to the mall to kill time while my truck was getting a tune up, we did the usual couple at the mall thing, got gellato, perused some stores, and got coffee....It was a rainy and chilly day so a nice hot cup of coffee was just what the doctor ordered....So after getting my beverage the lady went to forever 21 and I went to the cigar store to browse around....It was about that time that my phone rang (and I rocked out to the theme song of the classic show 'Shaft' before answering) As expected it was the auto shop telling me that my car was ready but failed inspection...boosh on me :-/.....so annoyed I walked upstairs to the forever 21 to get the girl and go....Now a vital piece of information here is that her cell phone was dead.....and she is a woman in a clothing store so I had to physically go in a remove her....As I approached the entrance to the store I felt comforted by the fact that my coffee was reaching that perfect temperature where I no longer have to prepare for the sting of boiling coffee, but could feel it warm me on the way down....my friends, it doesnt get any better than that.....and it was at that moment it happened....This little Mexican employee of the store was standing in the front and said abrassively...NON...cafe..non entrada el storo....Excuse me? I just need to tell my....NON Usted no puede traer eso aqui sir....WTF????? So here I am....needed to get my truck and waving for the girlfriend...desperate as she looks in my direction and then back to the shirt she wants.....

Lets take it back for a moment....When we got back from our trip to Barbados (another EFFING COUNTRY) we landed in Miami...and the woman at the sandwich shop couldn't understand what i wanted to eat.....welcome home Chai T.....then...last week we went to California Tortilla for dinner, and when I asked for a lid for my gf's salad...the woman had to get the manager because she didnt know what I wanted....A LID....YO QIERO EFFING LID B*%&$ (I swear to God if you correct my Spanish spelling I will hunt you down and beat you)

So back to the mall.....I begrudgingly throw out my coffee....get my girlfriend who of course was "just on her way out" and go pay greens for the truck.....I would totally move to Mexico and speak English til the cows came home to get them back but I would die within days with all the crap going on there....so a solution? I have none....I am too upset to continue...my gears are sufficiently ground friends......

Boosh Hall of Fame: Bill "Big Daddy" Clinton

Bill Clinton... that could be the end of this entry if I wanted it to be. Perhaps no other man in the 20th Century, or in all time, so embodies all that is, was, and ever will be BOOSH.

William Jefferson Blythe Clinton III, Attorney General of Arkansas, 40th and 42nd Governor of Arkansas, 42nd President of the United States, Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Services at Georgetown University Graduate, Rhodes Scholar and Oxford Graduate, Yale Law School Graduate, tenor saxophone genius, cheating deceitful S.O.B, and pot smoker who "never inhaled." The list goes on my friends.

Bill presided over the 4th best US economy in history, arguably ended a recession, was head of the military at its strongest point since the beginning of WWII and did so all while gettin dome from an insecure White House intern. Perhaps the most BOOSHtastic of them all is he had the stones not only to convincingly lie to his wife, but also completely disregard the American people by somehow making us feel like the bad guy. Only can a master of Boosh break one of the 10 commandments and make an entire nation feel responsible. I mean come on folks. I could go on but why tell you when I can show you. Here are some prime examples of his BOOSHness....enjoy!

Here is Bill with his VP and their public ladies (note: Bill was already porking Lewinski when this photo was taken)

This was Bill's reaction when told the American people felt betrayed.

This is Bill blaming YOU for forcing him to have inappropriate relations with some one who 'wasn't that hot'.

No need to explain this one...BOOSH


Bill Clinton's new team of advisors.

In the end I proclaim Bill Clinton as one of the supreme of BOOSHdom and hope you all line up with respect for the man that made the Presidency pimp again.