What Grinds My Gears: "The Third Guy"

There are many definitions of "That Guy." Sometimes it's "That [iPhone] Guy" taking out his phone every time there is the smallest fact to look up. Perhaps you are familiar with "That [Pretentious Band] Guy" who is always saying things like "I only listen to bands that you've never heard of. 'The Man' forces music into blah blah blah." Sure, they're annoying...but there is one "Guy" who is the epitome of social ineptitude.

To fully understand "The Third Guy" we need to understand the first two.

Guy #1: Likable and socially savvy, this guy runs the convo. He's full of quick quips and bursts of mockery. Everything he says is original and timed perfectly...usually at someone else's expense. As an example, imagine someone's being extra cocky, he'll say something witty like: "Your head is as big as a house!"


Guy #2: Slightly less confident than "The First Guy," his contribution is the addendum. A healthy add-on that says "I hear you...I understand you...and I raise you!" Something like: "A house?!?! Haha...more like a whale!"


The Third Guy: To reiterate, T3G is socially inept. He's also loud, boisterous and inappropriate. When he speaks...it is followed by awkward silence and blank stares. He takes the Second Guy's one-up as a fucking invitation! He'll stutter, get everyone's attention, and say: "IT'S AS BIG AS THE UNIVERSE!!!! HAHAHAHA! GET IT, I DID WHAT HE DID JUST BIGGER AND THUS BETTER! UNIVERSE, WHAT'S BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE, NOT A BLUE WHALE!! HAHAHA!! UNIVERSE!!!!!"

Guy 1 & Guy 2 (and everyone else in the vicinity): "...."

You owe it to society to call these people out. Forget about your polite (but awkward and actually not polite at all) silence...say something like: "No...not like the Universe...stop being a [insert blatant, uncensored, hurtful profanity]!" They may not understand what they did, but maybe they will talk less in the future.