Survival++: Locusts

There is a reason that almost every space-based video game in the past 1o years has some sort of winged bug as enemies. It's because Mother Nature, in her twisted plot against humanity, embodied horror within this creature. I can see the conversation unfolding:

Nature: ...and I'll give it a huge stinger, and claws...and WINGS!!!

God: No, you can't make Scorpions fly. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Nature: Ok fine, no stinger-

God: Or claws!

Nature: FINE! I'll agree on non-lethal, but only if they can eat everything in sight.

God: I don't see a problem with that..how much can a little bug eat?

Short answer...a fucking LOT!!! The desert locust (the star of the Egyptian Plague) can eat its own weight in food each day. For a large swarm, this equates to 160 Metric Tons in a day! That's enough food to feed 80,000 Americans for a day, which probably equates to, like, 2oo,ooo Africans. If the numbers aren't shocking enough...note that Locust Plagues never last only a day.

Plague of Locusts

So how do you stay alive? This one is all about preparation. First, canned food. I would even suggest taking the labels off. Only God knows what will happen if they gain cognitive awareness. Why can't you just stash real food in your house? Because the locusts can and WILL penetrate your house. It's not a matter of "IF" it's a matter of "HOW MANY" and that depends on YOU!

Your first line of defense should be filling the cracks in your walls and foundation. I don't mean caulk, either...I'm talking mortar or arc welding. I don't care if you encase your entire house in cement, some will get through. As simple as it sounds, have a tennis racquet handy. If you can replace the nylon strings with cutting wire, that would be a major plus.

Now for the coup de douleur. This elaborate contraption is what I like to call it the "Funnel of Doom." Create an air-tight chamber between the outside of your house and an internal wall. Put some crops in the chamber with a fixed layer of mesh steel on top. This is the bait. The flamethrower should take care of the rest!

The Funnel of Doom (patent pending)