What Grinds My Gears?

The Interrupter One Upper.

I truly believe there are only two things that will ever potentially motivate human beings to lay aside their differences and unite under the same banner. Scenario 1: A massive Alien invasion that will wipe out 90% of life on Earth before the rest of us pull our collective heads out of our asses just in time to discover that the invaders' secret weakness is water. Scenario 2: The mutual and passionate hatred we all share for the interrupter one upper. We human beings may never be able to surpass the differences caused by religion, politics, race etc., but the hatred for the Interrupter One Upper is so bloody uniform that it could probably added to the list of 'things that make humans human' right below opposable thumbs. The reason this hatred is so uniform is because we all know someone who falls into this category of dreg. Some of us know two or more. You may even BE ONE yourself and not realize it. Repent, for the kingdom is effing nigh.

We all know the scenario. Yer lounging around, involved in a pleasant altho not necessarily important conversation with a friend, acquaintence, or co-worker, minding yer own business when BAM! Seemingly out of thin air, like some sort of stealthy annoying ninja, the interrupter one upper appears, makes a comment that makes whatever you just said seem totally lame by comparison, and then once again vanishes before you've recovered enough to tell him what a dill hole he is. The list of people and things that make you feel like a bigger douchebag than IOU is a painfully short one indeed. Personally, theres little that can so thouroughly and effectively ruin my day. Maybe yer fortunate enough to be able to block out the memory of the last time you were personally exposed to this kind of jackassery. Just so you know, im about to ruin that.

Ex1

You: "Wow, I got front row tickets to the big concert!"

IOU: "Ive got backstage passes."

Ex2

You: "I hear we're supposed to get more snow this weekend."

IOU: "I hear we're supposed to have a massive ice storm tonight."

Ex3

You: "I had sushi for dinner last night. It was delicious."

IOU: "Last night I nailed my girlfriend and her hot room mate at the same time. It was amazing."

Ex4

You: "My dog died yesterday."

IOU: "My wife had her legs amputated yesterday."

Incon-f*cking-ceivable! And yet it happens. Constantly. And sadly the only way to make it clear to IOU that his/her inane and unwelcomed commentary is intolerable is a straight shot to the baby maker. But you cant do it can you? Why? Because like Orcs or Vampires, all IOU's have a few characteristics that make them invulnerable to the hammer of justice. Its always someone you know, but only vaguely. The guy that works in the cubicle across the hall, the girl who has the same third period stats class with you, a friend of a friend....and the majority of the times you encounter this person...he's actually pretty chill. Alway says hi in the hallway, asks you how yer significant other is doing, even buys you a shot or two when ye run into him at the bar. All as if saving up capital for the next time he strikes to ruin yer day.You may ask, "But doesnt the fact that this person is nice most of the time excuse the fact that he can, at times, be annoying?"No. Absolutely not. And i'll tell you why.You dont see him enough for it to matter. Again, this is someone you know only vaguely and see only a few times a month. thus making the one or two times a month he's a douche stand out in yer mind like a hair lip on a runway model. And like said hair lip, it will haunt yer very dreams. The decent individual with any sense of the importance of day to day politness would realize that this is not enough familiarity to justify butting into an obvious A-B conversation. This "obvious" fact seems to elude the IOU, meaning that he is either a dumbass, or an alien pod-person esque spy sent to observe human beings in preparation for that massive alien invasion i talked about in paragraph one (thats right, its all connected).

Sadly, i fear that hes just a dumbass. Just in case however, next time i encounter IOU i plan on throwing a glass of water in his/her/its face just to make sure it isnt an alien pod person (because as M. Night Shala-whats-his-face taught us, its reasonable for an Alien race who are so intelligent they have mastered inter-galactic travel are naive enough to invade a planet whos surface is 75% covered by a thing they are deathly allergic to). If it turns out that this person is not a pod person, i will simply have to regroup and formulate a new plan, which will probably involve a hefty dose of the Long Knuckle.

Cheers, Selah.