Survival++ Cuttlefish

Thats right America, you read correctly. Cuttlefish. I know what yer thinking. Yer looking at this picture and thinking "Gee, that thing doesn't look very threatening at all." Yer also probably thinking that any creature with 'Cuddle' in its name must be absolutely delightful and certainly not plotting the eventual doom and/or enslavement of you and yer entire species, right? Of course you are. Because yer naive. As was I before I researched exactly what a Cuttlefish is and what they as a species are capable of doing.

Cuttlefish are liars. They aren't even fish. They're mollusks, closely related to the common Squid and Octopus. They're also the planet Earth's next dominant species. Don't believe me? Read on.

You may have encountered a Cuttlefish if you've ever visited SeaWorld, Marineland, or some other water-world themed attraction. You probably saw it floating lazily around a 'petting pool' amongst starfish, rays and other beguiled guinea pigs and bunny rabbits of the aquatic world. Mayhaps you even took it upon yerself to pet the Cuttlefish. Woe be unto you if you have, you've only inflamed its hunger for human flesh. It has yer scent now. If you or yer issue are unlucky enough to still be walking the earth when the Cuttlefish rise up from the briny deep, they will come for you.

You see, scientists are just now beginning to understand how smart the Cuttlefish really is. They're smarter than Dolphins. Smarter than Chimps. They're even smarter than roughly 53% of the population of the United States. When Marine Biologists first began studying the Cuttlefish, it was thought to be nothing more than an underwater slug with a central nervous system that told it to eat and reproduce. Then, slowly but surely, we began to learn.

Cuttlefish, much like chameleons, can change color at will. Oh, how nice. They must use it to hide from predators. But wait, Cuttlefish also rapidly change color around other Cuttlefish. Oh, this must be a very primitive method of communication. Primitive you say? Hardly. When analyzed via time lapse, infrared and computer technology, it was discovered that Cuttlefish change their color faster than the human eye can process it, and they also change to colors that are imperceivable to the naked eye and can only be seen with the aid of aforementioned infrared technology. But why? For the love of God, why? Isn't it obvious? The Cuttlefish are communicating with each other. Communicating in a way quite possibly more advanced than any other method of communication known on Earth.

Let that sink in for a moment. Now take into account that there have been numerous recorded incidents of Scientists leaving the lab at night, with the Cuttlefish 'subjects' securely in their tanks. The lights go off. The door is locked. The Homosapiens return the next day to find their test subjects...gone. Vanished like flatulence in the wind. Not just one or two, but all of them. sometimes they are found huddled in the corner of the lab, mind you still alive on dry land for an untold number of hours. Because apparently, Cuttlefish can store water in their skin and survive out of their natural habitat for several hours. Other times, the test subjects were never recovered. Where did they go? I have a theory. I believe they returned to their watery citadel to share with their brethren the stories of how they were mistreated and abused by those hideous, hair covered, land dwelling Humans. Thereby fueling the proverbial fire of revolution stirring for centuries in the Cuttlefish spirit.

Sounds crazy doesnt it? But the fact of the matter is, groups of Cuttlefish routinely engineer daring escapes from sea labs and amusement parks around the world. And this means that not only do they communicate with each other...they can ORGANIZE!!!

It gets worse. Many type of Cuttlefish are actually poisonous. They have VENOM people! They can also shoot ink, much like their less threatening cousins the Squid. Ink that can permanently blind a human being if shot directly into the unprotected eye.

There is a theory, a dark and ominous theory floating around that the only reason the Cuttlefish have yet to evolve into a species on equal or greater intellectual par as humans is that the average Cuttlefish lifespan is only 8-10 years. Time it would seem, is on our side. For now.

But if Darwinism has taught us anything its that evolution wont wait around forever. And while the Catholic church would like you to believe that human dominion over the earth is assured by divine will, i for one am not convinced.

So this is survival++ right? I bet yer waiting for some advice on how to counter the Cuttlefish threat.

The answer is simple. We have to eat them. Eat them all.

Cuttlefish is considered a delicacy in many Asian countries and is often served up as a crunchy deep fried appetizer similar to Calamari. Until Cuttlefish advance to the point of being able to develop effective anti-Japanese fishing boat technology, we have the upper hand.

The problem is this: Cuttlefish is not a popular dish in the west. That means that roughly half the world is not supping upon the delicious, albeit evil genius seafood dish. This means that we are not consuming the mollusk bastards at a quick enough pace, and therefore the attempt will only serve as an attempted genocide of their people whereas successful genocide is what is needed. We must at the very least decimate, if not completely obliterate the Cuttlefish population in vats of deep fried greasy goodness in order for this strategy to work. Otherwise, it will backfire and once the Cuttlefish dominate the planet, they may be inclined to deep fry you instead of merely putting you into some sort of petting zoo for their children to gawk at.

So gobble it up America, really go for the gusto. Next time yer at Red Lobster, ask why Cuttlefish isnt on the menu and demand that it be so. If that doesnt work, start ordering yer Cuttlefish from Japan via the internet. Remember, seafood induced mercury poisoning is temporary and can be effectively treated at yer local hospital. But human subjugation by a breed of super-intelligent revenge driven mollusks from the dark underwater abyss, that is forever.

In the meantime, I will assume you do not take my words of warning seriously, because people rarely do. That being said I hereby make the conscious decision to abandon all hope and will plan to welcome our octo-tentacled overlords with open arms when (not if) they arrive. And when Im living out the remainder of my days in relative comfort as a pet inside the opulent palace of the Cuttlefish Viceroy of the North American Colonies and yer all slaving away in underwater algae farms, don't say I didn't warn you.