What Grinds My Gears? By Chai T

The cat that lives in the gutter below my bedroom window.

Where to begin. I live in a nice comfortable third floor apartment overlooking a pool. The head of my bed is up against a nice set of windows that provide a soothing mix of evening sounds as I sleep the night away. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that my girlfriend woke me up to a sound that quite honestly scared the living crap out of me, and after being introduced to that sound, it wakes me every night. That sound is the sound of a stray cat that is either in perpetual heat or has lyme disease (yes I've researched it) and lives in the gutter 3 floors below.

I remember the first night this cat woke us up. We were startled as we tried to figure out where and what that awful noise was. Its a sound I can only describe as somewhere between a boy whose legs have been cut off and who has been bleeding out for several hours and an animal with severe throat cancer. Its a God-awful sound, truly. In fact the first time I heard it I thought it was the devil coming to collect my soul for all my wrong doing. Now I only wish that was the case and not this damn cat.

Every night for the past week and a half, right around 3:30 am, when I am in my deepest most restful sleep. When all my cares and worries are gone, while my body repairs itself to take on the next day, this EFFING mangy little cat starts crying and moaning as though someone was cutting it in half. Opening the window to get a better look I spied upon this little wretch. It is gray, dirty, and matted. It appears as though someone dragged it through the state of New Jersey and left it to live under my bedroom window; I've come to loathe this cat.

Nothing will get rid of it either. I've tried yelling, banging pots, hell I'm even the douche bag who was barking out his bedroom window at 3:30am trying to get this cat to leave, so if any of you reading this are from my complex I apologize now. I would have sent my dog down had it not been for the fact that my dog is a 10lbs walking vagina with four legs named Herschel. So the other day in a fit of desperation I went to Home Depot with a brilliant idea. I bought a cinder block......just one. As I was cashing out my single cinder block the cashier, a nice young lady, asked me why I bought one cinder block and nothing else. I replied calmly that I was going to use it to kill a cat. She laughed as I stared at her stoically emotionless until she realized how serious I was.

Lets just say the logistics of killing a cat with a falling cinder block prove harder than first thought. For starters, there's the whole girlfriend wondering why the new bedroom decor includes a cinder block. Then there is the issue of getting it out the window accurately without scaring the furry &$#%head away only to come back once you've gone back to sleep. You have to admit though, killing that cat with a silent drop of a cinder block is amazing...can you image that noise being muffled by small thud as the cinder block hits the moist ground......music to my ears.....at this point I am becoming desperate. If there weren't so many lovable animals around I would try rat poison, hand grenades, or as a friend recently suggested, grinding up glass in cat food, but for now I am reduced to yelling curses at this cat. I pray every night that sometime soon this cat will meet its fate at the hands of a Goodyear all-weather traction tire, but so far no luck. If nothing happens soon though I am afraid I may be forced to up the odds on this cat and purchase a high powered air rifle.....only time will tell.....until then.....

Chai T