Survival++:Candiru

This is the most disturbing survival++ to date. If you ever plan on visiting South America, READ THIS ARTICLE. What I am about to tell you may shock and disgust you but have no fear, The BOOSH International is here to help you. The Candiru fish is one of the smallest parasitic fish in the world, however in the nether-regions of the Amazon it is the most feared of water dwelling creatures, even more than the piranha. Why you may ask? How can a fish that grows only up to 15 cm, a fish that is as thin as a toothpick, how can it be so feared? One reason my friend. It swims up your crank, eats through your urethra, and drinks your blood while holding itself in place with spikes. You read it right, these penis pirates will swim up your urethra to feed on your blood. Seriously, this fish LOVES THE KAK. Adults can grow to around 15 cm with a rather small head and a belly that can appear distended, especially after a large blood meal. The body is translucent making it quite difficult to spot in the turbid waters of its home; aka you wont see the little pricks (pun absolutely intended) coming straight for the genitals. There are short, sensory barbels around the head, together with short, backward pointing spines on the gill covers. Meaning once they go in they cant come out unless they feel like it. You cant win, no matter how tough you are. WARNING: The next section may shock you, only the strong willed read on.

These little taint ticklers are parasites. Their ability to detect respiratory currents in the water allows them to swim into the gill openings of other aquatic species,and/or your hog, where they feed on their prey's blood.

While the members of the subfamily Vandelliinae feed on blood, members of Stegophilinae may feed on scales, mucus,carrion, or any other item they find lodged in there from your college days.

The Candirú lies in wait at the river's murky bottom, searching for its next host by sampling/sniffing the water for expelled chemicals, such as urea and ammonia from the gills of other fish or from the jacka** that pees in the water thinking no one notices..... believe friend... they always notice. Once having detected a fish and or vacationing douche with his wang bobbing around, with a burst of speed the Candirú darts towards the gill cavity and/or peehole and lodges itself in place with its spines. Then, with usually fatal consequences for its victim/your makak, the Candirú begins to gnaw a hole towards a major blood vessel and gorges itself for no more than a few minutes. It will then dislodge itself and sink back to the river bed in order to digest its food and wait for its next meal.

This fish may not be the deadliest creature, it may not be the biggest or most intimidating, but rest assured coming into contact with this animal is something you never want to do. So how to you survive it? Simple, dont go in the water, ever.....I mean ever....

You could try wearing a prophylactic, hell I'd even suggest double bagging it considering how relentless these gooch gobblers are. You could also hook several car batteries together and shock the water before entering but then you run the risk of killing every living organism there, not sure the local tribe would approve, but who cares, they're only natives.....

Bottom line, this is not a funny survival++, this is a serious matter. Dont let their size fool you, the Candiru is not your friend. For the love of God protect yourself.