Survival++: Velociraptor

Raptors. Hollywood make-believe or Cretaceous Period death-dealer? You are probably all familiar with the Jurassic Park superstar Velociraptor. It's hard to forget their forays into mischief like eating an entire cow in a matter of seconds, unsuccessfully killing two children in a kitchen, or just roaming the woods like the unseen badasses they are. Good times right? You are probably chuckling to yourself right now as you think back to the days when you and your friends would get together, drink Mountain Dew, and watch Jurassic Park when your parents went to bed right? Well good...laugh... because you are only moments away from death! Unknown to most people velociraptors still present a very serious threat to your life. In order to survive these hellish miscreants one must first establish that they are a real threat. Why, right now there is a velociraptor watching you from afar, and the only reason you arent dead is because it's not hungry. There are two raptor scenarios that you may encounter.

Scenario 1: Surprise Attack
The most common type of raptor attack occurs outside in a field or jungle. This is where the creature thrives, and where you are the most helpless.
You cant out-run a Raptor. As one of the fastest dinosaurs, raptors have been known to briskly trot at speeds exceeding that of your average "douche riding a crotch rocket to impress the ladies." Be aware of your surroundings and make sure you're in good physical condition. You cant outsmart them either, so don't even try! As seen in Jurassic Park, (which we consider a documentary) Game Warden and raptor expert Robert Muldoon (what some believe is an alias for Randall Munroe, also a raptor expert) was outwitted when he thought he had one of these beasts cornered. Instead, they had hoisted him by his own charade, which brings me to my next crucial point...Watch your flanks! Raptors are known to attack from the sides so ensure that you and your fellow survivors are always back to back. Trust me the last thing you want is to feel the hot breath of a raptor on the nape of your neck.

The best contigency plan for open-range attacks, is ensuring that you are always within a few quick steps from a secure location. Our friends over at xkcd have given a good example on how to size up a potential safe house:

Once in a house, your life expectancy goes up instantly, but not enough to pour yourself a Martini (unless you've given up and want your last taste to be a Martini). It's vital to remember that raptors are capable of opening doors but are not so efficient at picking locks. A hearty deadbolt or two should do the trick, but only on steel door frames. A traditional wooden door is comparable to a plastic Easter Egg. Finally, it doesn't hurt to have guns stashed in random locations, because let's face it...guns are your only true hope if you are taken by surprise in an unfamiliar area.

Scenario 2: Attacked in YOUR House
This is the ideal scenario. Preparation is ALWAYS the best defense against nature's dangers, that is what "Survival++" is all about! I, again, will refer to our expert researchers at xkcd (if you didn't click the last link, seriously, don't miss it this time!) who have compiled a good google search list to get started on preparing for a velociraptor attack:



So, the raptors are in your house, bunker, or wherever you happen to be hiding. If they make it past the steel front door with triple dead-bolt or the bulletproof picture window, you have them right where you want them. They obviously wont find you in the livingroom, because you are effing prepared! You and the family are down a long hallway in the "Contingency Room." Besides the obvious barred and plated windows, this holiest of shrines has two doors, first door is a normal wooden door with a very raptor-friendly handle. Note, for this obvious decoy to be effective, EVERY DOOR HANDLE IN YOUR HOUSE MUST MATCH! The second door is made of solid steel and dotted with claymores. The smart bastards will eventually narrow their search to your fortress. Provided they make it past the trap doors and spike pits in the hallway, the sly fiends will take a face full of claymore when they open that decoy door. All you need is an axe and a block of wood, and you can mount that sucker's head right above your bed to remind your wife of your superior cabability to protect your family! Trust me, she'll never be "too tired" again.



In closing I would just like to point out that if you don't plan ahead, you and your kin are EFFED. Raptors are better than you! That means smarter, faster, stronger and meaner! Fighting off a Raptor is like Rosie O'Donald fighting off lesbian jokes, you can try all ya want, but they're....they're gonna get ya. Oh, and don't worry about your hallway. You defeated a pack of raptors, you can probably drive nails with your bare hands...

Written by Chai T and SKRAMACE