Survival++:Bears

Bears, natures lovable cuddly woodland creatures or godless marauding killing machines? When you first think of bears you may think back to the days of yore when we all enjoyed such delights as the Bernstein Bears, or our favorite forest fire preventer Smokey the Bear. Hell, I even remember loving to watch Yogi bear stealing picnic baskets from unsuspecting campers. But its not picnic baskets bears steal, oh no, it your EFFING intestines they're after. There are many myths surrounding how to survive a bear attack and I am here to debunk them all. Myth #1: Play dead- Lets just say if you play dead the bear will sniff you for a bit then, after snidely saying there's no such thing as a free lunch, rip your chest cavity open as you gurgle bloody curses at Outdoor Americas Hiker Tip Section. Myth #2: Get into your car and lock the doors- Wrong again, a Grizzly bear would tear off the door to your silver Prius the way fat kids tear into a bag of Doritos and he would proceed to sup upon your entrails pleasantly surprised that he gets to do so while listening to the new Maroon 5 album you played to calm yourself down. Myth #3: Make loud noises and wave your arms around- Friends let me be clear, screaming a flailing around wont scare a bear off, rather it would insult the bears status as an apex predator and likely cause him to ensure your death a very slow and bitter one, most likely mocking you throughout the ordeal. No there is only one answer to surviving a bear attack and it is the same answer we Americans have for everything. A Big EFFING GUN. I'm not talking your dad's .22 I' m saying get a semi-automatic Barret .50FMJ with depleted uranium tips and decals that read "Bears can suck my *$&#".....Then and only then will you be able to survive the inevitable encounter with God's back-up plan. And as always, remember to cut of his furry head to mount as a trophy and testament to your hard-earned badassery.